Um, so yeah. This is last week’s “Bionic Woman”. I’m far, far behind on the snark. It won’t always be like this. Sometimes I’ll be even farther behind. It’s just that we have this Wii, and I really like it.

A wounded soldier starts attacking all the people in his medical tent, doctors, other soldiers, all that.

Next, Jamie, two of her friends, and Extraneous are having adult beverages at the house. The story comes on the news about the soldier, who was a rescued POW, waiting to be shipped home. Jamie’s phone rings, and it’s the Bossman. Apparently lots of soldiers, after being rescued from being held by Al Qaeda, are attacking their own men. They have chips in their brains that are supposed to fight depression. The leading brain research guy is at Stanwick University. Antonio is going after the buyer of the brain chips, and Jamie is enrolling at Stanwick to get close to the research. She’s transferring in from Oxford. Bossman asks how her British accent is, and Jamie says, “Well, it should be spot on, because I’m from there. Cheerio!”

Jamie’s techie guy, the one that listens to all of her conversations and watches her take showers, tells her that she’s going to be studying lots of science and has to be able to make it look good. She wanted to go to Harvard once upon a time, and she was going to study Irish literature. Eavesdropper says she would have wasted a lot of money and still ended up a bartender. College was Jamie’s dream. She wanted to write her dissertation on James Joyce. Eavesdrop: “Wow. We have very little in common.” Same here! Pretty sure I’ve never read anything by Joyce. Jamie’s gonna feel like a total idiot faking her way through science.

However many episodes in, and I still don’t remotely buy her as a badpinkytoe. I do buy her as a student.

Jamie’s cell phone rings in the Brain Doctor’s class, and he questions her as to what part of his brain makes him super-irritated that her cell phone rang. The T.A. passes her a note with the correct answer on it.

Antonio and Bosslady are going through profiles to see who is the possible Brain Control Terrorist. Bosslady likes this one guy for it who started obsessively visiting terrorist websites fourteen months ago, took two classes with the Brain Doctor, and converted to Islam all in the same time period. Yeah, sounds guilty to me. Antonio says it’s racial profiling. Really? Because last I checked, religions aren’t races, and profiling saves lives. Anyway, Bosslady says it could just be brilliant detective work.

Jamie tells her college roommate that the prolific crumpling of paper coming from roommate’s side of the room makes her want to kill herself. Roommate says her last roommate killed herself and that she got all As for the semester. Just as Frank is saying, “That’s an urban legend,” the roommate says she’s kidding. The roommate says the class Jamie is taking was an easy A, and roommate doesn’t want to do her paper on James Joyce. Jamie is fawning over the book roommate has to read. How serendipitous that they both need the other’s skillz! Jamie agrees to do the Joyce paper, and roommate agrees to do Jamie’s lab work. Roommate invites Jamie to a party.

They get to the party, and the roommate heads right for the food table. The T.A. comes to talk to Jamie, and she thanks him for the earlier save. They flirt and go to the drinks table. Eavesdrop tries to call Jamie, and she ignores the call. Jamie rambles on about Felicity. They talk about Brain Doctor, and T.A. says his dad died of Parkinson’s last year. Sure he did. Eavesdrop isn’t buying either. T.A. says he almost dropped out of college, but now he wants to be a neurosurgeon because of his dad. Eavesdrop: “What, was astronaut already taken?” Haha. Jamie continues to ignore calls, so Eavesdrop gives her a massive bionic earache. Jamie says she needs to be excused because she left her ear drops at home.

Outside, Jamie calls Eavesdrop, who tells her to quit messing around and get to the Brain Doctor’s lab. She says she was doing recon. He’s like, no, that guy wants to be on top of you. Jamie tries to get into the lab, and the door is locked. Jamie asks what plan B is, and Eavesdrop says what I want to say: “Plan B is you’re bionic. Figure it out.” Jamie says, “Go go Bionic Vertical Jump!” and jumps to the top of the building. Why does she need a cell phone? Sydney Bristow at least had earpieces. Eavesdrop thinks she needs a bluetooth. Eavesdrop (Nathan) tells Jamie that she has to assume everyone is lying to her and that the Parkinson’s dad thing was a load of *crap*. Jamie shouts, “Go go Bionic Run and Leap!” and leaps to the top of the next building, where the lab is housed. She wants to get in through the window above the lab, but it’s wired. Jamie shouts, “Go go Bionic Steel Ripper!” and rips off a piece of a steel bar on the roof. She shouts, “Go go Bionic Analog Circuit Override!” and fakes out the circuit with the steel bar. Inside, Eavesdrop gives her the code for the lab, and she breaks in and goes to the computer. They need to know who Brain Doctor may have had contact with recently.

Jamie gets info from the computer, and while she’s there, she finds the T.A.’s file. She wants to know how old he is, Eavesdrop says to get out of there, and so of course, she gets caught by Brain Doctor. She’s like, Oh hey, Professor! He says he knows who she is.

Brain Doc thinks Jamie is from a university or pharm company trying to steal his research. She says she’s just there to learn from him because he’s the Parkinson’s expert. She says someone else told her to clean out the monkey cages (he had monkeys in his office) to get back in his good graces, and she now realizes it was a joke. The T.A., who has been listening in a hallway, comes up and says, “Did you really clean out the monkey cages? I didn’t think you’d do it.” Brain Doc wants to know how Jamie got into his lab, and she says the door was unlocked. T.A. says he left it unlocked accidentally and saves Jamie’s butt. Which makes her all hot and bothered for him, of course. Brain Doc says he’s watching her. Dun dun dunnn.

Jamie tells T.A. that she was really trying to get a copy of the lecture, and he says he can get it for her if she’ll go to dinner with him tomorrow night. He kisses her on the cheek, and she’s so happy and not at all bionic.

Antonio is watching their suspect have lunch at a cafe. Suspect gets a call and starts talking money with someone else. Antonio tells Bosslady to get backup because they need someone on the suspect at all times.

In Brain Doctor’s lab class, BD is showing the class his map of the brain. He’s done a neural implant for people who have little or no power over their brains. They activate the implant in one of the human lab rats, and they make him juggle. The implant receives commands and makes the implantee do the commands. They make the human lab rat hold his hand over a flame for a long time. Jamie is ooked out by this, and the lab tech says they’ve modified the guy’s pain tolerance, too. Jamie realizes this is the chip that can make people do things. At headquarters, the team talk about the Brain Doctor and say that so far, he’s only treating Parkinson’s and hasn’t modified the chip. Also, the doctor has no money trail. They come across the T.A.’s file, and he went to undergrad at Stanford and majored in Cognitive and Neurosystem Sciences. Antonio went to Stanford. They’re obviously suspecting him. Me too! Since roughly the party.

Jamie and Tom the T.A. are in a courtyard at school talking about the research, and Jamie thinks the mind control thing is creepy. Tom doesn’t want to talk about the chip. They get all flirty and lovey and kissy. Antonio walks up and says he’s Jamie’s Uncle Tony. Tom looks at him funny (on account-a he’s black), and Antonio says he knows it’s confusing because he’s… American. Haha. He says he needs a word with Jamie without Tom. Antonio tells Jamie that Brain Doc is clean, but Tom is under scrutiny. Antonio says that there is no information on him prior to six years ago, and Stanford doesn’t have a degree in Cognitive and Neurosystem Sciences. She’s like, “But his dad died of Parkinson’s! He’s had a hard time! He’s so cute!” Antonio says that they have to assume he’s the enemy, and she says her gut says he isn’t involved. Antonio says, “The last time you listened to your gut about a guy, he had your limbs replaced. BUUUUUUURRRRRRN!”

Filler scene with Jamie and the roommate. Jamie finished the Joyce paper, and the roommate hides food everywhere, because she likes secret food (she’s skinny, in case you’re wondering). Tom calls Jamie for a post-first-kiss caucus, and she says it was great, and they should do it again sometime. Roommate says Jamie totally likes Tom.

Jamie is walking by herself through a weird outdoor walkway with a giant head statue at the end of it, and she thinks she’s being followed. She shouts, “Go go Bionic Eye!” and scans, finding nothing. “Go go Bionic Ear!” She hears footsteps. She makes as much noise walking as possible, and she backs herself up against a column. Next to the column, someone shoves a gun behind Jamie’s head. “Go go Bionic Bodyslam! Go go Bionic Punch!” Jamie, you’re telegraphing your punches. Maybe you wouldn’t be so easy to read if you weren’t always shouting commands to yourself. “Go go Bionic Kick!” The human lab rat from the lab is the one who attacked her. He says, “I can’t stop myself. Help me.”

The lab rat was wearing a chip in his head just like the one from the soldier in Iraq. Antonio asks who knew where Jamie was going. “Only Tom, but he couldn’t do it, because he’s cute and I like to kiss him!” Antonio says that the drop is now up to 5,000 chips. Jamie says she wants to still go to dinner with Tom, because if he’s the bad guy, she can find out.

They go out for sushi, and both admit to not liking sushi. Jamie is drinking her tea with her pinky out, like a good Brit or a pretentious American. I don’t even know if Brits do that. I can only assume so. Tom says Jamie looks stressed, like there’s something on her mind. And before Tom can stick both feet in his mouth (one’s already in), they decide to go DO IT at Tom’s place instead. They start making out on the couch, and Jamie asks for champagne. While Tom is gone, Jamie investigates his apartment. “Go go Bionic Snoop!” Drawers, wardrobe, lamps, photo albums. Jamie says he’s too good to be true. He’s so perfectly normal that he even has tarragon in his spice drawer. Jamie’s like, “Tarragon?! No guy is that perfect!” She opens up the tarragon, and he has brain chips in his spice jar. Bad Tom!

Antonio and crew are watching the terror suspect enter a building. They bust in and ask what he’s doing there. His brother lives there. Antonio spots an Alice in Wonderland giant book, and it’s hollowed out for transporting chips. Tony wants to know who his supplier is, and the suspect just starts praying to Allah. It turns out his mom and sister were killed in an IED attack in Anbar province. Tony keeps talking and talking to him, and the Iraqi kid eventually stops praying when Tony says too many people on both sides have died already.

Next morning, Jamie is sitting outside in the courtyard, and Bossman calls and tells Jamie to follow Tom, not to let him make the drop, and to kill him if she has to. She looks all sad and says ok. She sees Tom hand off some papers to a foreign-looking student, and Jamie grabs the file from the student after Tom walks off. She sees it’s an exam. Tom comes back and asks if she thought he was handing the guy something covert, and she’s like uh… They each ask who the other is, and he wants to know if Jamie’s FBI and says FBI was supposed to leave it to “us.” She asks if he’s CIA and he doesn’t answer but asks who Jamie works for. The Burkett Group. CIA doesn’t have a high opinion of Burkett because they’re always getting in CIA’s way. Jamie says it’s a temporary gig for her. She says, “I thought it was you.” “I thought it was you.” He’s disappointed she’s not British, she’s disappointed he’s not studying neurosurgery.

Jamie hears Brain Doctor’s lab tech talking to someone (”Go go Bionic Ear!”), and they spot the lab tech making the drop. Tom says let me take care of it. Tom goes downstairs to the farmer’s market (on campus?) and confronts the bad guys. Jamie says, “Go go Bionic Eye!” and scans the area, seeing that Tom is about to be shot. Oh noes! She says, “Go go Bionic Downward Jump!” and throws Tom out of the way. There are lots of bionic shouts and human shouts and “Go go Bionic Roundhouse Kick!” finishes off one of the bad guys. Antonio shows up, and between him, Jamie, and Tom, they neutralize everyone except the lab tech. Jamie sees him far away running up the stairs. She beans him in the head with a cantaloupe (”Go go Bionic Throw!”).

Turns out, the lab tech wasn’t doing it for any political reasons, only money. Antonio says the CIA doesn’t like Burkett because Burkett doesn’t have to deal with red tape or “bru-raucracy.”

Jamie goes and says goodbye to her roommate, who tells Jamie she got an A on her Joyce paper and that Jamie is her favorite roommate. She goes by Tom’s apartment and says bye. She helps him pack, they chat, he’s been with the CIA for a while, because he has a nice face, and people trust him. They kiss more.

He’s back next week. Apparently there’s no Bionic Woman this week.