So tonight we get to watch the auditions from Omaha. Haha, “get.” Aw, how cute. They cut the American Idol logo into a corn field. That’s so corny! Haha, there is a large woman wearing a t-shirt that says, “I beat anorexia.” That makes me laugh – my apologies to the anorexics out there. Pauler’s plane is delayed (look for her to have had lots of teeny bottles of vodka on the plane, yo), so Simon starts complimenting Randy on his appearance. He loves the purple glasses.

The first contestant comes bearing gifts for the judges. Oh, also a photo book of himself with Kelly Clarkson. Aaaaaaand… now he’s crying. He’s just so grateful to be here. He hasn’t even started singing yet. Ok, so he’s Chris Bernheisel, and he has immediately shot the wheels off the judges. Simon says he likes Chris and he likes the bribes, but the singing is bad. After that, he asks the judges if he can audition to be on the red carpet at the AI finals this year. So he starts with his very gay spiel, and he doesn’t suck as badly at that as he does at the singing. Simon asks who the local Fox affiliate is; it’s Fox 42, and Simon says for Chris to tell them that they want him at the finale as a reporter for Fox 42, and if they say no, tell them to call me (Simon). I just love Simon. And I’m pretty sure Chris does, too. And he’s still going on and on. Maybe he got into Pauler’s stash.

Ok, that abovetheinfluence.com commercial is retarded.

Holy crap, Frank just got an email from Alan Colmes! LOL!

Back to Idol.

Pauler’s still not in Omaha. Jason Rich from Corn-Sucking Iowa is up next. He looks good. He is singing “When You Say Nothing at All” by Keith Whitley. He keeps singing the first line (pretty well) and forgetting the words after that. He stops twice, and Simon gives him a third chance. He finally remembers the words and sings a whole verse. He’s pretty good, not awesome, but maybe he’ll do better in Hollywood. Unless he totally chokes again. Simon tells him they’ll put him through, but he won’t give him the same kind of chance again. Because if he forgets the words in a live show, AI is off the air. Oh, come on, Simon. Remember Kellie Pickler? Hoo-hah Hailey? The world didn’t stop turning, though those singers did make me want to never wake up again. Haha, Jason’s girlfriend squeaks when she sees the Golden Ticket, and Simon says, “He stepped on Ryan!”

So Pauler has arrived, and she is clearly sauced up. She’s hanging her head off the table and praying to X3nu, I think.

Rachael Wicker is next. She looks like Daryl Hannah and is an arm-wrestling champion. She sings a Leann Womack song, and she’s got a bit of a goat problem. Maybe just because she’s nervous, because it’s not *bad* goat. Simon says she seems like she’s given up at the end of a long career. Randy says she’s yodeling through every phrase, and that all country singers do it. No they don’t allll do it. Leann Rimes and Leann Womack, yes. That Sugarland chick, oh heck yes, I can hardly bear to listen to her. Martina and Carrie? Not so much. Anyway, Randy’s a yes, Simon’s a no, and a very drunk Pauler is a yes. She arm wrestles Rachael and loses.

Well. I just lost everything I wrote during the next segment, because Sony Vaio makes the world’s suckiest laptops. Don’t ever buy one unless you hate yourself. Anyway, sappy stuff, America’s Next Top Model, blah blah blah.

David Cook is gonna sing “Livin’ on a Prayer.” He’s pretty good in his Spartan hair and sweater vest. Simon says worthy but good, and I agree. He’s through to Hollywood, yay, move it along, I need a massage, and I need to go to bed.

LOL. Pauler just hiccuped while a shiny contestant was talking. Randy tells Pauler to take a drink of “water” or hold her breath for sixty seconds… Simon calls her a disgusting little pig. And when the bad singer is over, Simon and Pauler agree that that cleared up Pauler’s drunccups. More vodka for Pole-er!

Leo Marlowe is next, and wow, he and Ryan could be super-special buddies. His mom says she raised the perfect homecoming queen, only it wasn’t one of her daughters. He’s singing “A Song for You,” that one that Elliott sang more than once. And he’s singing it exactly like Elliott sang it. He sounds just like Elliott Yamin, is better looking in an ugly European sort of way. I’m glad he’s through to Hollywood. Maybe he’ll catch on better than Elliott did.

Night, kids. Gotta work for the man tomorrow.