I just wanna say that we love the Kelsey Grammer / Patricia Heaton comedy “Back to You.” It is hilarious, even if it does have a laugh track / studio audience.

Anyway, back to Idol. I have to say, I just haven’t been that excited about the girls today. Now that they’ve been introduced

Ryan says he “heard on Regis and Kelly” that Randy wears a size 13.5 shoe.

01 Carly Smithson is up first. So she and her husband own a tattoo shop, and she works around the corner at an Irish poob. She’s singing Heart’s “Crazy on You.” I LOVE Heart, and I looooove this. RANDY: I loved the end. Beginning of the song was kinda pitchy… SARAHK: What? The whole thing was great. PAULER: Unintelligible gobbledegook. SIMON: That was much better than last week, I’ll go on record and say that you have an incredible voice. I still don’t think you’ve picked that one song that you really connect with. [All of the judges’ comments have been interspersed with her repeating that she loooves Heart and that “Crazy on You” is har feevoreht song evar. By the end I’m asking, “Do you love this song? Is it your favorite?” Because it’s a little much.] But I think you’re definitely the girl to beat in this competition. SARAHK: I *heart* you. Triple votes from me tonight.

By the way, I am amused when little groupie tarts come in here and get soooo offended and self-righteous because I chose not to vote for their personally adopted contestant because the contestant behaved like an infant in need of a teat, so they try to SLAM me for getting a name wrong. 20% of the guys are actually named David, no need to get all freaked out over me getting a first name wrong. Big whoop, do you know how many people spell my name without the h? I’m generally mature enough (I say generally because I do have my titty-baby moments) that I gently correct them (“there’s an h on the end”), though when I was your tweenie age I was probably admittedly more passionate about this most egregious of errors. Anyway, it’s a singing competition about the whole package a contestant brings to the entertainment arena, tootsies, not a My Little Pony hairstyling contest, and just because a contestant sings well, has good hair, and throws his guitar picks into the audience (because it’s so cool and has never been done) doesn’t mean I’m required to vote for him, and I may choose to not dial those digits for any reason whatsoever. I also think it’s funny when Simon chides one of these squishies for anything at all, and suddenly offended fans are screaming about Simon throwing hissy fits and being defensive. Have y’all ever even seen a hissy fit? Is that what they look like in San Francisco? A calmly spoken sentence? How ever will your contestant survive after such hissies?

All done with my little hissy fit.

Ah, that’s cute. That new animated movie lumps homeschooling moms in with Prius drivers and people who don’t own TVs because it makes them better than everyone else. I know few homeschooling moms who claim superiority over people who send their kids to school. This is why we don’t go to the movies much. No thanks, I’ll stay home on this one. If I want agendas, I’ll read blogs, write blogs, watch Fox News, watch CNN, watch MSNBC (okay, I just can’t write that one with a straight face, because I think my soul would need repair if I actually watched that tripe), watch pretty much any late night talk show, etc.

02 Syesha Mercado is next. She does a baby cry that is spookily realistic. She’s singing “Me and Mr. Jones,” snooooooooore. She’s pitchy and boring, and I hate that song. At least she’s cute, except for those giant hoop earrings that kill a piece of my soul every time I see them. No votes from me. RANDY: Not a great song choice. You do better when you sing big songs. You seem disinterested when you’re singing the softer notes. PAULER: And you tend to go off-key when you do that. SIMON: I thought it was a bit indulgent. It’s obviously not meant to be sung by a girl, and I think it was silly to sing it. SARAHK: Agreed. Can we move on now? Kthx.

03 Brooke White is next, and she is a beauty school dropout. Dropped out to pursue singing. So she’s onstage with a big pretty guitar singing “You’re So Vain.” Perfectly sung, sounds like she’s not just trying to imitate Carly Simon… but I’ve gotta say that she’s smiling during the part where she’s singing about him leaving her, and that looks silly. Whatever, it made me all tingly with joy, so it’s five votes from me. Five! SIMON: I don’t like the way she’s looking over at me while she’s singing that. RANDY: Listen, it was a great song choice, right, for you. I always felt Carly Simon in you. I don’t feel like you brought anything new to the song. But was this about another judge up here? A guy other than me? PAULER: Suits you, what you brought to it was familiarity. SIMON: I absolutely loved it. This is the first time I actually felt like the artist chose the song. Great song choice, blah blah blah. RYAN: And Simon probably did think the song was about him. SIMON: Actually, to be honest, I did. [Brooke is mum except for her ongoing “thank you” repetition.] No, I really did. SARAHK: I thought it was about me, too. FRANK: I bet the song was actually about Seacrest.

04 Ramiele Malubay. Ryan’s asking her about her waterworks last week, when she and Kady embraced tightly and begged Barack Obama to come fix their broken souls. Ramiele does Polynesian dances or something. She’s singing “Don’t Leave Me This Way.” The vocals are fine, maybe even great, but she’s slurring a lot of the words, and she’s so happy that she has to beg him to stay with her. Agh. Killing me. Anyway, I’ll throw her a vote for the voice, but I wasn’t impressed tonight. RANDY: Not my favorite song choice for you. It was just okay. PAULER: You’re also one to beat here. Your vocals are some of the best here. But yeah, blah blah, agree with Randy, and your voice is amaaaaazing. SIMON: Astonishingly I agree with Pauler. I’ve heard that song so many times at ghastly weddings and stuff like that. SARAHK: People sing “Don’t Leave Me This Way” at weddings? Do they retain divorce attorneys at the door to the chapel, too? SIMON: This is one of those performances I’m not going to remember that much. RYAN: Well, Randy, make a note. I guess we won’t be hearing that song at the wedding this spring [pointing at Simon, who chokes on his “Coca-Cola”]. RANDY: Yeah. At the ghastly wedding. SARAHK: Is Simon getting married this spring? Why was I not invited? RYAN: Ramiele, you had a hard time with song choice this week, didn’t you? RAMIELE: Yeah, I went back and forth between, like, four different songs. I picked, like, two slow ballads, but then I was worried that people would start calling me Lullaby instead of Malubay. SARAHK: Well now they will. And there are worse nicknames. Sir Kisser, Kiser Roll, Short Stuff, Casserole, etc… Actually, I kinda liked being called Short Stuff. And Peanut. RYAN: Blah blah blah, don’t overthink, etc. PAULER: Ryan, you are right on. SIMON: You’re so clever, Ryan.

That’s where I’ll have to stop for the evening. It’s bedtime, and my beauty sleep isn’t gonna get itself on. I’ll finish tomorrow evening. Mwah!

Hi, I’m back! I know the results show is recording now so I’ll try to get through this fast. I’m never successful at that.

05 Next up is Kristy Lee Cook. She’s a tomboy. Loves fishing and sports and horses and camping. Loves outdoorsy stuff that “guys do that you don’t really see most girls doing.” I know plenty of girls who do those things, but whatevs. She’s singing “You’re No Good.” A lot less of the crazy eyes this week. I actually thought that was good. Waaaay better than last week. RANDY: 100% better than last week. I was waiting for you to do more with your range, but I liked it. PAULER: You’re back, you’re back, you’re back. And in the pocket. SARAHK: Pauler loves pockets. SIMON: Last week I couldn’t have told you what you sang, because it was forgettable. This week I think you were a lot better. I’m not sure I really know what kind singer you are. I think if you were to go more of a country route, you would be able to make a better statement for yourself. You have a lot of potential. SARAHK: I’ve always pegged her as country, by her voice alone. FRANK: She shouldn’t tell her baby he’s no good, because stupid babies need the most care. SARAHK: I would have given her two votes.

06 Amanda Overmyer is next. She loves to read, especially biographies of rockers. Hey, I actually own that book she’s reading. She looks like a lion tonight. Her pants are kinda cool. She’s singing “Carry on Wayward Son.” She’s dancing like she’s on Guitar Hero! I’m pretty bored through most of this. She has pitchy moments, it’s a bad song choice, and she seems like she’s more into the dancing than the singing. Not too good tonight. She may go home. And that’s too bad because I really like her personality. But it’s not a personality contest. I do have to say she didn’t sing as much like she was biting her cheeks this week, so kudos for that. FRANK: That, to me, wasn’t good at all. It’s like her voice wasn’t up to it or something. SARAHK: Everyone’s a critic. RANDY: [Chuckles.] SARAHK: When Randy starts with a chuckle, it means he didn’t like it. RANDY: That was a really bad song choice for you. You need to be a bluesy rocker. That was too much melody for you. SARAHK: Too much melody? I think if you can’t handle that bit of melody, it’s a bad sign. PAULER: You’ve got some moves! You can really dance! Yeah, bad song for you. I know you’re trying not to do too much Janis here, but you also need to do what feels right for you. SIMON: In your film, you come across as so natural, but this is so contrived. From what you’re wearing from the hair from the bad song… SARAHK: That’s a great song. Anyway, it’s a no from me tonight. Sorry, babe.

07 Alaina Whitaker is up next. She doesn’t like the food on her plate to touch. She’s singing “Hopelessly Devoted to You.” I don’t care for her short blue satin dress, and her earrings are double hoops. Huh. That didn’t do so much for me, and I love that song. It was screechy in parts. RANDY: I didn’t like that song choice for you. It didn’t do anything for me. PAULER: I thought you were better than Randy. Thought you did a great job. SIMON: I like you, but your problem is that it’s like your grandmother prepared you for tonight. What to wear, what to sing. SARAHK: Eh, I don’t think Gram Gram would have chosen those earrings. SIMON: I like you more than I did two weeks ago, but you need to be relevant. [Randy and Pauler like what she’s wearing, and of course, Alaina loves it.] RYAN: This isn’t really my thing. I don’t know anything about blue dresses and high heels. SIMON AND SARAHK IN UNISON: That’s not exactly true. RYAN: From the fashion god who wears the same thing every night. SIMON: Oooooooh. Woooooooow. SARAHK: I haven’t heard that one since… Tuesday night.

Back from commercial, Ryan is wearing more lipstick. That reminds me, what was with Kristy Lee Cook’s tongue? Bright red.

08 Alexandrea Lushington is up next. She was the poster girl for the Atlanta fire department growing up, and right after 9/11 she sang at Ground Zero, and it was very emotional. She’s wearing cargo shorts, and she’s sagging them low. “If You Leave Me Now.” Safe and borrrrring and pretty pitchy. I don’t know what possessed her to sing this. It’s not good. I wish she’d sang a different song. RANDY: Boring and safe. SARAHK: Hey, I said that! PAULER: I think you did put yourself out there. You’re relevant. SIMON: I was a big big fan of yours in the earlier stages. I think you’re struggling right now. That song has never been covered and has never been a hit outside of when it was first released, and I think it’s because it’s absolutely stuck in its time period, and there is absolutely nothing you could have done with the song to make it current. You look great. SARAHK: I’m not diggin’ the shorts. [Anyway, Ryan interviews her, her dad shakes his head indignantly, she feels like an underdog, she has a sweet personality, but the voice just hasn’t been there the last couple of weeks.] BTW, I love Chicago. But not in concert. A beating in concert.

09 Dominique Swain Kady Malloy is up. She sings opera in the bathroom. “Simon will probably roll his eyes when he hears I sing opera. ‘You sing oh-prah bettah than you sing up heyah.’” She’s doing “Magic Man” by Heart. I heart Heart. This isn’t exactly an American Idolly song. It’s boring, and I’m mostly just fixated on her rockin’ mini-dress (which she wears over black leggings, something that should never have returned from the ‘80s). This is one of the most lackluster of the night. Wake me up when Simon starts talking. Ouch, flat on the last note. RANDY: So you love that song? KADY: I do love that song a lot. RANDY: I love that song, love Heart. You never quite found the notes for me. Never settled onto the note, it never worked. PAULER: On the power notes, you were great. On the lower notes, blah blah blah. I liked the opera. You need to define who you are. SIMON: I think I’m struggling as much here as you are. Everything you do on film is fantastic. The impressions, the opera, which I thought was quite good. But then you come out here almost like someone trying to impersonate Christina, singing from the back of your throat on a song I’ve never heard that has no melody. RYAN: Can you put your finger on why she’s working on tape and not onstage? SIMON: I don’t know what it is. You’ve just got to find the right song. And that was absolutely the wrong one. KADY: I was just having fun with the song the whole time. [She always looks ticked when she gets her critique. Like she may quite pummel Simon when it’s all over.]

10 Asia’h Epperson was a cheerleader in middle school and high school. She loved cheer camps. Hair, makeup, and outfits, just like on Idol. She’s wearing soul-crushing earrings in her video. And beaded soul crushers. She’s singing “All By Myself” in an ill-fitting old-timey housewifey outfit. I get really nervous when they try this one. I mean, I can sing it, but I wouldn’t be brave enough to do it on Idol. Brave enough at karaoke? Heck yeah, to rave drunken reviews, yo [it’s always fun being the only sober one at karaoke dives, because everyone thinks you’re awesome if you’re half good. Thank goodness we have our own karaoke machine now, so I don’t have to get black lung to sing in front of people, and I get to torture my friends with it.]. Anyway, I can barely hear her on the low notes, and she’s changing some of the words, which annoys me, because I can never tell if they’re doing it because they think they’re smarter than the songwriter or if it’s just cover for forgetting the words. Anyway, at the first run-through of the chorus, she barely squeaks out one of the early notes, and that means doom is on the way. And it is. She’s screechy at times, silent at others, and I just think this song was too much for her to handle. Stick with the songs you can sing. And I hate the outfit and the soul crushers. RANDY: You have to be really talented to sing that, Celine sang everything out of that song. But I tell you what. Highest degree of difficulty. You did a pretty good job with that I thought. PAULER: We were sitting here going [flails wildly], and it was like, ta da! You did it! You had some problems with the low notes, but you know, the ending is what counts on this song, and you brought it home. SARAHK: The whole song kinda counts, and the ending was not as good as you two are making it out to be. SIMON: It is one of the diva songs of all time. And you have got to be one heckuva singer to pull that off, and unfortunately you’re not. You nearly did it, but the truth is, you’re not that good a singer. You almost got away with it, but it really showed you up, and I think it was a silly decision. SARAHK: Yeah. RYAN: If she hadn’t taken a risk, she might have gotten a negative review. SIMON: No no. You’ve got to know your limitations, something you’ve managed to do quite well in your career. SARAHK: Buuuuuuuurrrrrrrnnnnn! SIMON: It’s why you’re on the red carpet. RYAN: Since the end of yours, you’ve accomplished a lot too. SARAHK: Buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrnnn!

Wow, the girls were pretty off this week. Only four I would have voted four, and only three I really liked. Here’s my order:

03 Brooke White*****
01 Carly Smithson***
05 Kristy Lee Cook**
04 Ramiele Malubay*
06 Amanda Overmyer
07 Alaina Whitaker
08 Alexandrea Lushington
10 Asia’h Epperson
09 Kady Malloy
02 Syesha Mercado

I predict Alexandrea and Amanda go home.