Hello, I’m Ryan Seacrest. Nah, just kidding. He’s way prettier.

Tonight’s theme is the year they were born. Yay, it’s mostly ’80s night again!

01 LOL. Ramiele was born in 1986 in Saudi Arabia. She’s ten years younger than me! She used to bite the other kids until she was three. Oh, danger, Ramiele. She’s going to sing Heart’s “Alone.” One of my favorite karaoke songs, and Carrie Underwood rocked this so hard three years ago that it would have to be really good to not suck. The Glock did pretty well on it last year, but she didn’t come close to Carrie either. Ouch, this is just painful from the beginning. Out of tune all over the place, and here’s what confuses me. In the beginning, she had such a huge voice, and this song makes her voice just seem tiny. Bad move for her. And now she’s yelling, and she’s in danger of going home. And now she’s made it into a country song by repeating the first line of the song at the end. I don’t like saying this to her, but: Off you go. RANDY: Yo yo. I hear you’re a little under the weather like me. SIMON: And me. SARAHK: Randy and Ramiele are doing it! Um, just kidding. It was the logical conclusion to draw. Both sick at the same time and everything… Okay, now I’m uncomfortable. How did we get here? RANDY: … But, uh. Still it wasn’t the right song for you for me… SARAHK: For auld lang syne. RANDY: It’s a little too big of a song. I remember who was it that did it before? SARAHK: Carrie Underwood. RANDY: Carly? SARAHK: Carrie. Oh yeah. Carly did do it, right? It must not have been close to Carrie’s, because I would have remembered it. RANDY: And it was a little pitchy all over the place. FRANK: And what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yeah. Dawg. RANDY: It wasn’t a good look for me. SARAHK: You mean the soul crushers? Not a good look for anyone. PAULER: I’m glad that America’s heard what a big voice you have… SARAHK: Because you sucked! I’ve embraced that I’m insulting her tonight. I’m a horrible person who’s going to hell. PAULER: People don’t know you barely have a voice right now. It’s not about picking it, because you picked it healthy… SARAHK: wRitErsbLock, did you record this when I did it at your Halloween party that one year when your neighbor was shocked I was actually going to take on Ann Wilson? Just wondering. Since I’m, you know… vain. PAULER: You’re really sick, I know that. FRANK [as SIMON]: You know what I do with wounded animals? I kill and eat them. PAULER: I want you to keep going because you’re a really big talent in a little small package. SIMON: I didn’t think it was as bad as Randy said. CROWD: Yay! That’s like the best thing Simon’s ever said, ever! SIMON: I think the first part of the song was okay. Maybe it’s because you’re not feeling well in the middle it got a little shrieky and shouty. The truth is, Ramiele, after what you sang last week, which I thought was appalling and you managed to survive [funny freeze frame moment], then you’re gonna get through again this week on that performance. No question about it. SARAHK: Her? Huh. RYAN: Is Randy being a little hard on Ramiele tonight? RANDY: I just wanna say that when Simon listens to it back at home, he’s gonna hear that the pitch was all over the [sing-song] place… SARAHK: Simon Jr. (me) agrees with Randy. SIMON: Do you think it was better than last [sing-song] weeeeeek? SARAHK: Are we still on Ramiele?

Ramiele:

That’s how it’s done.

Or holy smokes, this:

02 What a cute baby Jason was! Some people just don’t outgrow preciously cute. Good grief. He was born in 1987 in Dallas. Tonight’s his birthday! Aww! Happy birthday! People have always told him how cute his eyes were. Yes, they are. He’s singing “Fragile” by Sting. He has his guitar again. If I didn’t have a massive crush on his voice, I might have thought it a little boring at that part where he kinda maybe forgot the words… but since I do have that voice crush, it was beautiful. And truth be told, I couldn’t stop clutching my chest and smiling. Which means it must have been brilliant, right? But what can I say? He can do no wrong. Except last week, he was just so awkward. It’s not the most exciting song choice, but it’s kind of After-an-Afternoony for me. RANDY: Dude, I love that song, it’s one of my favorite song. Good song choice, like the Spanish thing you did. It was nice and pleasant. I don’t know if it did anything for you for me SARAHK: For auld lang syne RANDY: …vocally, I’m still waiting for you to jump out vocally, but it was nice. PAULER: I think you’re staying true to who you are, and those are the songs that are your niche. That’s a great song. I agree you didn’t do anything different. You’re kinda playing it a little safe in your zone. SIMON: Okay, Jason. I think you’ve had two bad weeks, and I think it’s time that you start taking this a little bit more seriously, because I tell you what that was. It was the equivalent of someone busking outside of a subway station. SARAHK: Boooo! What’s busking? SIMON: Sorry, it was! The way you played the guitar on the track was clumsy, everything about it was too laid back, too much in your own world. And you are somebody, Jason, as you proved when you sang “Hallelujah,” who is potentially even maybe a winner. But you’re not gonna win if you keep doing that week after week. SARAHK: Dangit, he’s probably right. RYAN: Are you taking it seriously? JASON: Yeah? But I can see what he’s saying. RYAN: But you’re in it to win it. JASON: For sure. RYAN: It’s a laid-back “for sure.” Me? I voted for him like five times.

03 Syesha was boring as a child. And she was born in 1987 somewhere. She says she’s goofy most of the time. She’s singing “If I Was Your Woman” by Stephanie Mills. Alicia Keys did it, so I’m guessing it’s her version. Not that I know either way. I just googled it. What? Y’all think I’m a genius or something? Joke’s on you, then, dudes. Actually, that’s the first time I wasn’t totally bored by her. I’d say it’s the best she’s ever done. She bores me every single week, and tonight, if I don’t look at the horrid earrings, I finally get why she’s even on the show. Well done. RANDY: You know, this is great. Good moment for you for me. SARAHK: For auld lang syne. Three for three. RANDY: Blah blah blah, unbelievable, I’m shocked, I’m loving it. Best you’ve ever been. We’ve got another competitor in the competition. It was blazing hot. SARAHK: Ok, now you’re overplaying it. PAULER: What’s great about this vodka — er, performance — is this is the moment where everyone will say Syesha flipped it and became the dark horse who could win this competition. SARAHK: Yeah, it’s the first time I actually went, “Hey, she can actually sing worth a flip.” SIMON: Well. Syesha, it was definitely the best so far, but we’re only three in. I don’t think the end part of the song was as good as Randy thought it was. Because I think there is a limit to your vocal, and I think that song stretched it. SARAHK: Yeah, for once, I wasn’t bored. She kinda didn’t Studdard her performance tonight. Heck, I may even call in a vote or two. PAULER: I disagree. SIMON: Yeah, well. That’s why there’s three of us on the panel. SARAHK: Ahem. Four.

04 Chikezie is on the Urinal. I don’t know what he’s talking about. All I know is I forgot to take my thyroid med this morning, and I was paying for it all day (all work and no thyroid med makes SarahK a cranky girl!), and now I can’t remember if I took it when I got home, and what if I take it again, and then I start having hot flashes and can’t sleep? And I’m gonna try to be at work by 7 tomorrow, and we know that’s not going to happen as it is, and if I don’t sleep, I’ll be Crankypants McIrritable all day, dragging in somewhere around 9! I’ll probably take my thyroid med just in case. They need to up my dose anyway. My ankles and wrists are always cold. What the heck am I writing about? Isn’t this American Idol? More like American Hormones, SarahK edition. Chikezie was born 9/11/85. He shares a birthday with our own Cadet! Except Cadet’s like eighty years older. I like Chikezie’s mom. Chikezie’s singing “If Only for One Night” by Luther Vandross et al, of course. Didn’t he already sing a Vandross song? See, if I were on AI, I’d not sing more than one from Chantal Kreviazuk, Sara Evans, Martina McBride, Heart, Celine… But AI didn’t want me, so what do I know? Anyway, I’m bored by this kind of music, but Chikezie sings it very well, stretches his range, and doesn’t phone it in. Plus I just like him. RANDY: So check it out. Syesha made her song younger feeling. This was very old-school, not very hip and cool. PAULER: I disagree, Randy. You are a throwback, but it’s a good throwback. SIMON: I think you sang it well. Having said that, I thought the performance was actually very cheesy. All the putting your hand into the audience… CHIKEZIE: You know? That’s who I’m singing for. [Starts to look ticked off] I’m sorry. [He doesn’t seem sorry. Diva.] SIMON: Chikezie, I’m going to pick you up on that. You’re not singing it for them. You’re singing it for yourself along with everybody else. SARAHK: Yep. SIMON: You have to show originality, and I didn’t see anything original, I saw someone trying to copy the original. I miss your personality now. SARAHK: Me too. But at least you didn’t Studdard it.

05 Now it’s time for Brooke, and she was fifth last week too. She was born in 1983. Dear me, she is my sister’s age. She’s singing “Every Breath You Take,” that creepy stalker song by The Police. That was interesting, she started the phrase, stopped, and restarted. She’s on piano again, thank goodness. No crazy yellow dresses this week. Also no soul crushers! Yay! Ok. This is really good. Oh, and I love her hair; it’s straight for once — no jaunty little half-curls. She’s so good, but I keep waiting for her to move an octave up, at least for a phrase or two, just to show me she can do even a little mezzo soprano. And she never does. I was a little mesmerized, but only because I was absolutely sure she was just about to blow me away by skipping up higher and showing me the power of an upper range. She never did. Still worth many votes, but she disappointed me. RANDY: Yo. So very interesting song choice. I thought the front part was really good. [Liked the professionalism of the restart, and so did I.] When you got to the bridge and you went to the out chorus, I did not like the arrangement with the band coming in. I kept waiting for something else to happen. SARAHK: Me too. RANDY: I almost would have liked it if you would have stayed without the band and made it more interesting on your own. But it was just okay for me, it was just alright. PAULER: I enjoyed this performance so much more this week than last week. We love contestants with their own niche and you do have that. I think you’re consistent. This was great. SIMON: Brooke, I totally agree with Randy. If you had just stayed on the piano, that actually would have stayed much more cool. The minute you picked up tempo and the band joined in, it made it very old-fashioned. Definitely good enough to keep you in for another week, but you know, you’ve just gotta work this out. The first half when it started, even with the mistake, it was fantastic. SARAHK: Don’t pull a Ruben on me. You must stretch and do something unexpected. Please. RYAN: Very brave to start over. BROOKE: Yeah… generally you shouldn’t do that. SARAHK: I would have done. My dad used to lead singing at church a lot, and every now and then he would start the song too high or two low. And one of the four parts would be straining and struggling the whole first verse. My dad, without skipping a beat, would just change the key for the second verse. No blowing on the pitch pipe and shooting the wheels off the whole thing. He’d just fix it. And that’s the way I believe it should always be done. Fix it whenever you can, and if that means repeating the first phrase of the song, just do it.

LOL. That Jack in the Crack commercial. The face when Jack is saying, “It’s over when I say it’s over!” is so funny! Hahahaha.

Wow, I’ve been typing for two hours without my power cord. I love my new computer!

Ooh, go to americanidol.com, and you can help pick out a design for the coke cups. How exciting for you!

06 Michael was born 1978. Finally! Someone in the same decade as me. Even younger than my husband! He’s cute. “We Will Rock You.” Wow, this is a brave song for American Idol! No wait. It’s “We Are the Champions” with a “We Will Rock You” beginning. I. Love. It. Finally, he is, as Randy would say, blowing it out the box! This is what I’ve been waiting for. That whole thing was brave, and I can’t type fast enough! Fantastic. If the judges don’t love him, I will hereby declare myself Supreme Judgess of Idol Forevermore. Rachl Lukis can be my sidekick (Pauler or Randy, her choice). My heart is still aflutter, and I just went and read Rachel’s blog for a couple of minutes (I’m so easily distracted, tootsies). The crowd cannot calm down. RANDY: Finally finally finally you believe in yourself and use that big old voice you’ve got and that was the best performance for me since you’ve been on this show. SARAHK: You may remain a judge… for now. PAULER: For any time that any one of us that ever said you haven’t found your right song, well, we can all shut our mouths on this one. This was your shining moment and I’m so proud of you. You were probably dying knowing that you could [sing that song]. SARAHK: You also may remain… for now. SIMON: Michael, this is the first time with you I saw star potential. Because tonight you just got it right. You look like a front person, you were confident, you performed well. For me it was the only memorable performance of the night so far. SARAHK: They should have ended the show with it. FRANK: Wait, I wasn’t watching. Rewind so I can see what was so great. [After the replay…] I don’t know, I guess I just don’t see what was so great. SARAHK: I hereby declare you Off the Couch!. Bad husband. FRANK: [As I’m dialing…] You’re gonna vote for that? SARAHK: Hells yeah.

07 Carly is next. She’s from Dohblehn. Dublin. Born 1983, half a year younger than my sister. Named for Carly Simon. !!! Singing Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart”! Brave. Brilliant all the way through until the end. I hate what she did with the end, because until then I was all in. Great comeback in spite of the warbling on the last note. But at least she went all out. RANDY: Very interesting song choice for me. I didn’t love it, I liked it. I didn’t like the note at the end, it went a little sharp. Just okay for me. SARAHK: For you, for auld lang syne. PAULER: I don’t know how you can say that. RANDY: I don’t like the whole rock thing for her. PAULER: I believe in you! I believe in vodka! I believe I can fly! RANDY: That run at the end was not in tune, though. SARAHK: I think it was. I hated it, but I think it was in tune. PAULER: You could do no wrong tonight. SIMON: Something didn’t quite work. And I think it was because you were so tense and almost uptight during the performance. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I was going to enjoy it. I’m kinda with Randy on this. Something didn’t quite work there, and I think you’ve gotta just lighten up a little bit. SARAHK: Be a blackbird. Singing in the dead of night. RYAN: Were you tense? CARLY: No. I went to the bathroom before and… uh… SARAHK: Awkward! RYAN: Did you flush? SARAHK: Move on, it’s bedtime.

08 David A is grinning and laughing goofily on the Urinal, because he, too, has just peed. I wonder if Ryan knows. Oh good cow. David was born in 1990. 1990! He’s barely out of the womb. He’s singing “You’re the Voice” by… Johnny Farnham? Had to google that mess. Blast it all, he’s singing another retarded message song. “We’re all daughters, we’re all sons, How long can we look at each other down the barrel of a gun?” Bleeeeeerg. That’s how long. I have a .45 specially labeled for activist B-sides. David Archuleta now officially sucks. SARAHK: He officially sucks now. FRANK: Why? SARAHK: It was so… campy and… Christian pop station?! FRANK: Why do you hate Christians? SARAHK: Because their instrumental arrangements are absolutely hideous. [For the uninitiated, I’m a Christian. Like a super-crazy conservative one.] It’s not even like real music. It’s like they took the worst part of the worst Beach Boys song, fused it with the worst of activist drivel like “Give Peace a Chance,” put it through the digestive tract of John Denver, and pooed out a big lump of mushy cheese-ridden terds! Then ate it and regurgitated it and made me watch it all happen on American Idol. FRANK: That’s kind of mean. RANDY: Yo, David. Check it out. Strange song choice, but guess what. You can sing whatever. Still very nice. SARAHK: Whatevs, dude. PAULER: I guess we were all trying to figure that one out. SIMON: John Farnham, right? From Australia. SARAHK: Simon googles too. PAULER: Couldn’t have picked an American? SARAHK: What is this I’m feeling? It’s a strange emotion as it relates to Pauler. Is it… affection? Did someone slip me some vodka? PAULER: You can sing the phone book, and we’d fall in love with it. SARAHK: If by “we” you mean “not SarahK.” Or if by “love” you mean “hate.” SIMON: David, you know, you sang it well in parts, but I’m gonna be honest with you, and this is not gonna make me very popular. I actually didn’t like the performance at all. I thought it was actually reminiscent of a theme part performance. K-LO: “Sometimes (often? almost always?) Simon Cowell is so right.” SIMON: It’s one of those ghastly songs you sing when you’ve got animated creatures with you and everyone joins in together. I don’t think that’s you at all, and I’d be amazed if you chose the song yourself, because I don’t think that’s you. SARAHK: America, look past the squishy cheeks and remember that you love .45s. Stainless steel ones of the 1911 variety. Mmm. Now I *will* have hot flashes.

09 Sleepy Lee Cook is next. Born in 1984 in Seattle. Weird. Her kid pictures and videos look slightly like mine. Not a lot or anything, but somewhat. She’s singing “God Bless the USA.” Playing the patriot card, I see. I actually saw Lee Greenwood do this one at Six Flags one year. He was opening for the Oak Ridge Boys, I think. It’s mostly good, and she actually doesn’t sing it exactly like the original (who could?). Huh. Other than the mild goat vibrato and a couple of pitchy spots, I’m impressed. Like… impressed enough to vote for her. What is happening to me? Where are my hormone pills? RANDY: Great song choice. Other than some pitchy spots in the middle, I thought it was a very nice performance from you. SARAHK: Egad. Me too. PAULER: Very poignant and respectful song. SARAHK: Nicely juxtaposed with Mr. Barrel of a Gun, producers. PAULER: Very good choice from you. I’ve seen better performances from you, but it was very nice. You’ve grown. SIMON: Kristy, your best performance by a mile. And I have to say, that was the most clever song choice I have heard in years. A guy called Lee Greenwood wrote that song. Brilliant songwriter, brilliant performer, and I thought overall it was a good performance, and that’s gonna keep you in the competition. SARAHK: For once, you deserve it.

10 David Cook. 1982. He thinks he had a massive skull as a kid. ]Still does, actually, which explains the combover.] Holy. He’s going to do “Billy Jean,” are you kidding me? Oh, Chris Cornell version. I would have been so much more impressed had he taken on Michael Jackson’s version and done something totally original, such as… something like this Chris Cornell thing. This is lovely and great, and wow, I didn’t know he had pipes like that. Ok, I’m impressed even though he didn’t come up with it. Awesome. RANDY: Most original, most bold performer we’ve had. With that joint you just did, you might be the one to win the whole lot! Blazing molten hot. SARAHK: Simon’s already said that before. FRANK: I can see him winning too. PAULER: I can’t sit down because I spilled vodka all over my chair and I want to have babies with your voice. SIMON: David, that was brave. It could’ve been either insane or amazing, and I’ve got to tell you, it was amazing. SARAHK: So say we all (except prolly Rachl Lukis).

10 David Cook*****
06 Michael*****
07 Carly***
02 Jason***
08 Sleepy*
03 Syesha*
05 Brooke - just so disappointed*
04 Chikezie*
01 Ramiele
08 David A

Bottom three will be: Ramiele, Chikezie, David A. Ramiele goes home. Chikezie needs to do up-tempo and/or country/bluegrass to be memorable.

Here’s how I think it will all play out for the rest of the season:
10th - Ramiele
9th - David Archuleta - brave prediction, I know
8th - Sleepy - I think tonight was an anomaly
7th - Syesha
6th - Chikezie
5th - Carly
4th - Brooke
3rd - Michael
2nd - Jason
1st - David Cook

You heard it here first, peeps.