I’m so thankful we’re down to four. Soon I’ll have my Tuesday nights back until next year.

BTW. I keep hearing/seeing people say/write that this is the worst. season. evah. I totally disagree. Last season was the worst. season. evah. I loved that the top 24 this year actually had talent. No Sanjayas. Sure, some of the kids succumbed to nerves and became snoozers, but we saw good auditions out of all of them, and there were none of the top 24 where I was going, “That talentless hack? WhatEVS!” The allowing of instruments changed a lot. We know what kind of album each artist would put out. David Cook does rock and emo-ish, Syesha is best with showtunes and would probably be awesome doing standards (did they have a standards night this season? Because I don’t remember one). Jason will put out an all-acoustic album, and it will be teh coolness. I hope he’s good with the wordplay. That reminds me, I totally need Mraz’s new one. David Archuleta will sing long, boring ballads about poor people and changing the world. And the tweenies will eat that crap up.

Anyway, on to the show. Ry Ry says that 3 of the top 4 have been #1 in the votes. Frank and I think Syesha is the only one who hasn’t been. I mean, the night Jason did Hallelujah? He totally pwn3d that show. It’s some kind of miracle that he survived the last two weeks, but I’m glad he made it through this far. He’d better step it up tonight, though, or he’s going home.

Oh. Pause. I just checked VFTW to see who they picked, and thank you SO MUCH, VFTW! I’m so happy that Jason is your new pick after Brooke’s ouster. Vote vote vote!

I need a massage and an epsom salts bath. Well, I will have one of those two after the show. My cervical spine hurts bad.

This…

is American Idol. Oh come on. Y’all knew I would do it at least once this season. And since I’m totally high on wasabi tonight, this is the night.

Luke Menard is in the audience.

Tonight is Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame night. Prepare for suckitude. Ike Turner created distortion? For reals? Too bad he was a wife beater.

Is the R’nR HoF trying to be the Louvre? I never knew it looked like that. And I’ll probably never again.

Ryan clarifies that the judges will critique after each performance. Pauler pretends she’s sober and nods knowingly.

David Cook is up first, and he’s going to sing “Hungry Like the Wolf.” He wants to stand the song on its head. This can’t be good, because I just asked Frank, “Is the sound off?” There is a disconnect between his mic and the band sound. So far, he hasn’t turned the song on its head as he promised. It was boring and pretty much just like the original. And I couldn’t hear the band, but I blame the sound guys for that. I’d call this one of David’s low points all season. Kind of a snoozer, and I feel like he totally wasted this performance. And I like Duran Duran. Just meh for me. RANDY: A’ight. So. That was, uh, I’m interested to see what songs you guys sing tonight. That was an okay choice and a solid performance, and something about he wants mad hot vocals, that wasn’t amazing, and that was just okay for you. SARAHK: It was a great song choice, but he did nothing with it. PAULER: I think your hungry like a wolf has given me an appetite for more vodka. It reminds me why I tolerate being the only girl in a boys’ club. “Boys club” being questionable. SARAHK: I think she’s trying to imply that one of the men or Ryan is gay. SIMON: David, I thought it was good. I know where Randy was coming from, because it was a little bit copycat, you didn’t do what you did in previous weeks where you chose the song and made it your own. Was it good enough to get you through to next week? Yes.

Ryan says that next Syesha will let it all hang out. What’s she singing, Brick House?

*Sigh*esha is on the Tool Stool with Ryan. She’s once again crushing my soul with her ridiculous earrings. She’s, like, so excited about the tour. She can’t wait to meet the fans. Like, on the tour, you can run around the stage and like, you’re not being judged. Wow. That’s brave. She’s singing “Proud Mary,” by (her words) Tina Turner. *cough* CCR. *cough* She’s shaking her money maker. And now after the slow part when Tina turns it to eleven, Syesha has severe choreography going on. I almost can’t watch. Seriously, did they even have a sound check tonight? The sound is awful. Anyway, glad that’s over. It was too… planned. Effortful. Way too big for her and her shiny dress. Off you go. Really? They’re cheering that? RANDY: I’m laughing, because what a difference a couple of weeks make. Because for the third week in a row, Syesha has showed up, and she’s in the zone. Nice going! You got pretty good timing, because you’re showing the heat late in the competition. SARAHK: Her? I thought it was awful. FRANK: Yeah, me too. Maybe we’re having sound problems. PAULER: Not only have you shown up, but you look like a star. Beautiful woman, magnetic voice and presence, blardeblarblar. SIMON: Ok. Syesha, I’m sorry to put a slight damper on things, because… AUDIENCE: Booooo! Putrescence! SYESHA: It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. SARAHK: Somebody’s channeling Brooke. SIMON: For me, I thought it was just a bad, shrieky version. A bad — let me finish — a bad impersonation of Tina Turner. SYESHA: Simon, I was trying to have fun. SIMON: Yeah, well, okay, good. I didn’t. SARAHK: The body spasms were fun to watch. She has good arms.

Carly in the audience.

Jason is singing a song by Bob Marley. “Go figure.” “I Shot the Sheriff.” Have I ever told y’all I almost always hate islandy-type music? Unless I’m on the beach in Castaway Cay with a fruity drink in my hand and an umbrella over my head, I don’t want to hear it. Yeah, he’s singing it like that. It’s actually the most alive he’s been in years. But alas, how you say? It was teh suck. I prefer the Clapton version for sure, and he was a little… um… off-key for most of the song. Let’s see if Randy calls him pitchy. RANDY: Jace. Ah, man. Listen, dude. Ok, look, for me? That was a really karaoke Bob Mar… I mean. Dude it was okay, there was really nothing special to it. Blah blah. That just wasn’t good for me. SARAHK: The world is off its axis, I’m agreeing with Randy. PAULER: On a high note, I’ve never seen you perform more to the audience. SARAHK: I wish he’d kept it to himself. PAULER: Here’s the deal, Jason. I wasn’t crazy about the performance. But you’re genuine, your artistry shines through, and you’ve won me over just for that. SARAHK: She’s saying you’re really showing who you are as a performer, and you look beautiful and shine. Or something. I left my Pauler Decoder Ring in my other pants. Wait, I’m not wearing pants. Whatevs. SIMON: Jason, stand back. That was utterly atrocious. Sorry. That is a song you do not touch. The arrangement was atrocious. The performing and the singing was as bad as I’ve ever heard. This was like, oh-nestly, a first round audition massacre. Oh-nestly. I don’t know what you’re thinking. JASON: I was thinking Bob Marley! Yeah! RYAN: I almost feel like you, Randy, and Simon, you also, are ticked off. SIMON: The only similarity was the hair. RYAN: What advice can you give him? SIMON: I’ve got some advice. Don’t do Bob Marley. SARAHK: My heart hurts. Maybe it’s just the cervical spine again. Who knows?

David Archuleta, who is still pestering me with his presence, is going to sing “Stand By Me.” He says, “I’m singing ‘Stand By Me’ by Benny King.’” SARAHK: He probably actually thinks it’s Benny King and not Ben E. King. This has always been a fun song for him to sing in his room to himself or to his dog. Oh noes. Don’t do it, SarahK. Don’t get drawn in. Whew! That was close. See, I was totally drawn in by the voice, and I remembered why I used to love him even though he’s so small. And then I looked up and saw his arm waving and his feeling face, and I recalled how I feel about him these days. I blerged a little even. With my eyes closed, though, it was pretty great. Good thing I had my eyes opened. Until the end, and the end just kind of hung there in the air and died, didn’t it? RANDY: Yo. Yo. David. Check it out, baby. What I’m so happy about sitting here right now, there’s four of you left. At least there’s one guy who every time he gets on the stage puts it all out there, blah blah, I loved it dude, it was hot! Let’s see if I can transcribe Pauler. PAULER: You know, we all forget that you are way beyond your years. I mean, being seventeen in this competition. It’s hard, it’s really hard what you guys are doing, and I really admire one thing. SARAHK: Vodka! PAULER: I admire lots of things. What I really do admire, though, is… SARAHK: She lost me with all her prattling on. Something about seasonings, and I don’t know what oregano has to do with any of this. SIMON: Well the truth is, David, you could have whistled a song, and it would have sounded better than the last song. Very well placed. I thought you struggled there a bit at the end. SARAHK: Yes. SIMON: But I’ll call you the best so far. RYAN: I always think you’re going to pass out during the judging, David. SARAHK: I’m torn. Do I say, “Leave the passing out to Paula”? Or do I say, “He’ll do that next week for sympathy votes.” SARAHK: He’ll do that next week for sympathy votes. FRANK: You’re so skeptical. SARAHK: No. Cynical.

It’s the end of the nightmarish first half. So far it’s David A, David C, Spaz-esha, and last Jason. I just can’t live a lie. He was the worst.

On the Tool Stool, Ryan basically says that — Pause. Whoever those girls are in the audience who yell, “Such-and-such, we looooove youuuuuu!” every time someone is talking? I just want to fly out to L.A. and kick them all in the nads and tell them to shut the heck up when people are talking. Seriously, you learn that in kindergarten. Douches. David Cook says the judges were right on about his first song. Oooooooh. He’s singing “Baba O’Reilly” by The Who. He wins the night singing that, automatically, and since I just gave him the #1 spot, I hope he doesn’t stink it up. And he doesn’t disappoint. Best of the night so far, and I’ll wager including the upcoming performances. He lost his breath at the end, but who cares? He redeemed himself. Wow, that is a sparkly jacket. RANDY: You know what? I mean… I don’t know, there’s something else going on with you tonight, but that was more like the David Cook we know. [He’s giving kind of a half-hearted that-was-the-bomb-baby speech, and I’m cornfused, because that was teh coolio.] PAULER: I just want more! I want more! I want more, I want more Dave Cook. SARAHK: That’s her vodka brand. Dave Cook Vodka. SIMON: Uh. Welcome back, David Cook.

Rascall Flatts in da hizzay.

I apologize for that.

*Sigh*esha is next going to sing “A Change is Gonna Come.” Whoa, she looks hot. Long, elegant dress (elegant if you don’t catch that giant bag of cleavage she’s sporting through the hole in her dress). Hair is awesome, earrings are not crushing my soul. I love that sash. This isn’t as shrieky as the last one, but she has a long, exposed, pitchy note at the end. It was good but not awesome. RANDY: Alright, so, for me, the first song I loved. This one I did not love as much. Here’s why. Didn’t love arrangement with music, didn’t love arrangement with the vocals, on and on and on, fell flat for me. SARAHK: It was way better than her first one. PAULER: Standing ovation. I just wanna hug you. I want you know that how you orchestrated your vocals… beautiful. You’ve turned this song into a superstar performance for me. You have changed. Welcome to your dream, Syesha. This is it for you. FRANK: You’re not going any farther. SARAHK: Too mean. Syesha is bawling, probably because of Frank’s ad lib. Wow, that’s a lot of boobage. SIMON: Syesha, I have to be fair, and I’m going to agree… SARAHK: With Pole-ar. SIMON: With Pole-ar. SARAHK: Someone needs to get that girl a snot rag. She’s dripping all over Ryan’s pedicure. SIMON: I think Randy, with all due respect, got that completely and utterly wrong. I thought you sang that really really well. SYESHA: It’s okay. It meant a lot to me. It meant a lot to me. SIMON: Randy, you made her cry. SARAHK: And now she’s ruining it. Going on and on about the meaning of the song and civil rights, and someone give her a tissue, if only to shut her up. SYESHA: I probably look like crap right now. SARAHK: At least you have your bosoms to take everyone’s mind off your face.

Jason is next. Singing “Hey Mr. Tambourine Man” by Bob Dylan. SARAHK: He’s going home. I actually prefer the version by The Byrds (which came out before Dylan’s version, even though he wrote it). Don’t get me wrong. I love this song. I just fear he’s gonna do something bad to it. ACK ACK ACK ACK. I’M SO MAD AT HIM! He forgot the words about three or four bars in, just as I was perking up and thinking, “Um, this is going to be so awesome, and I love him again!” Everything about this performance is so so good, like 88% cacao dark chocolate good. Like chicken tikka masala good. Like coconut milk ice cream good. Dang, why do all of my analogies have to do with food? And then he ruins it with the forgetting of the lyrics. I just want to pull a dread off and whap his face with it. Why why why?! So so good if he hadn’t screwed up. Fart. RANDY: Jace, man. So tell me, man. What do you think? How do you think that was? JASON: Well, I lost some lines in there, so that wasn’t good. RANDY: Jason’s not in the zone tonight. SARAHK: Dude. He’s in the room. PAULER: Jason, you know, it is what it is. FRANK: It’s your favorite saying! SARAHK: It’s always what it is. PAULER: You have your niche. You blow me away. SIMON: Jason, I’d pack your suitcase. SARAHK: Yep. You’re gone. It was fun while it lasted. I can’t vote for you tonight, though.

I hate that iPod commercial so much, even more than I hate black licorice and fennel. Again with the food.

David Archuleta is the final performance. So many artists to choose from, “and I chose Elvis Presley.” My body started writhing in pain when he said that. And then, the final straw for me: “Love Me Tender.” The only Elvis song I hate more is “Blue Christmas.” Ok, let’s just say I hate all of them (except maybe “Honkytonk Angel,” but that’s only because when I heard it, it didn’t sound like him at all), and “Blue Christmas” gets the Super Special Hateness Award. David thinks this will be “fun” to sing. Well, I have to hand it to him. This sounds nothing like the original, so I love it. Great job. RANDY: Yay! PAULER: One of my favorite performances from you. SIMON: David, you didn’t beat the competition tonight. You crushed the competition tonight. SARAHK: Overboard.

My order:
David Archuleta (I know. I hate myself for saying so.)
David Cook (I wish his first song had been better.)
Syesha
Jason

Jason goes home, no question.

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