Before the season premier of CSI: Horatio starts, I’ve decided that my theory about Ryan is the only plausible thing. Ryan worked with Horatio to stage his death so they could catch the bad dude.

We’re on the scene, and it’s a manic one! We missed the opening, so we’re all manic! Ryan has already released the body to the coroner, and Calleigh and Delko are flipping OUT. WE’RE GONNA FIND OUT! WE’RE GONNA FIND OUT! WE’RE GONNA FIND OUT! And then Delko is at the morgue, and what if he sees Horatio alive?! It’ll be okay, though, because he has a brain injury, and no one will believe him. Anyway, it’s moot, because H’s body has already been released to the FEDS! What? We haven’t seen the body! But he’s dead! Julia and Kyle have landed in Puerto Rico, and someone has walked through the pool of H’s blood, but not before he walked through someone else’s blood!

The guy who walked through the blood is going back to lockup, even though we all know he didn’t do it. The cell phone picture he took of “dead” Horatio shows that someone was standing atop the maintenance hangar. They find that Fed’s band-aid up there, and they find that the dirty Fed texted Wolf!

Ryan, under fear of death by Delkoing, tells Delko and Calleigh that H is… dun dun dunnnn… ALIVE! WHAT?? My faith in fake death is failing! Hey, he put on a blood bag and everything. Just like in the movies and TV!

Hey, it’s H’s son and his crazy-eyed baby’s momma, Elizabeth Berkley (who has had like a thousand eye lifts)! H is on the hunt for Ron, Julia’s husband, who is so going to die.

“Why can’t you go to the police department for money, Horatio?” “Well, because, see… my status as Chief of Sunglasses is… complicated. I’m supposed to be what they call… the Archangel of Sunglasses in Heaven.”

“Horrrratio. I am the woman of your dreams. Why you speak to me in these rrrriddles, Horrrratio? Answer a simple question with a simple answer for once, Horrrratio. You drive me mad with your crazy rrrriddles. I am beautiful.”

Awwww. DELKO to Horatio: Why Wolf? Why not me? HORATIO: It was likely this was going to fail, and I didn’t want that for you. Ryan, on the other hand… well, he’s become such a whiny little terd, and who cares if that loser goes down? DELKO: I know, right?

It looks like Horatio already has a new pair of sunglasses. I know when I fake my death, the first thing I do is replace my $400 sunglasses. It’s the right thing to do. Fight the UV!

Hmm. Calleigh’s scuzzy ex-boyfriend. I never liked him. BRUSH YOUR HAIR, RETARD!

HAHAHAHAHA. I love the movie effects when Horatio is leaving the airstrip. Very Dirty Harry. Now if Horatio would just turn in his badge, we could get some real carnage.

Well that was nice of the scuzzy ex-bf, giving Calleigh all the guns from the gang, being hunted and all that. It doesn’t make me like him. Maybe a hairbrush would make me like him. Or less smugness.

Ooh, big explosions! It’s almost as fiery as Mythbusters.

Great season premiere. Just you and me, Delko.