Ryan tried to fool me by starting a sentence with “THIS!” and then not following it with “is American Idol.” I totally didn’t fall for it.

So far, only two girls in the top twelve. And this is the way it should be. If you’re just not good enough, you don’t get in jsut because you don’t have dangly parts.

Ryan asks why Simon doesn’t just pick all the songs instead of griping about song choice. “Fine then, I will. We’ll have a Simon Cowell week.” THANK YOU. Followed by a SarahK week? Awesome.

Frank is insensitive. “Who was with Scott MacIntyre?” Um, he’s blind, he needs an escort, don’t be a jerk about it. Wow, this is an annoying-twit-heavy lineup. Most of my least favorites are here!

01 Von Smith is first. He wants to show the real him, the better him. He’s got a sweet personality. He’s singing a song that’s too low for him (”You’re All I Need to Get By”). That’s too bad. It gets into his range, but the whole first verse is just airy and boring, bordering on awful. The rest is good but forgettable. In fact, if he didn’t have a unique face and hadn’t been pimped and I hadn’t seen him on The View, I’m not sure I’d remember him at all. ALICE: The judges like it. Do you want to go shopping tomorrow? You need a new wardrobe. RANDY: Hot hot yeah! FRANK: I was bored. I was so bored that I quipped about Simon having product placements. “That song was indulgent. As indulgent as these Double Stuff Oreos!” RANDY: Better than Hollywood week. SARAHK: What? KARA: You’re coming into your own. You feel more comfortable. The note was good that Simon gave you, and you took that note. Blah blah blah forever. Good job. SARAHK: She talks forEVER. Just say it and move on, lovey. PAULER: It’s hard being first. This is gonna be a memorable first. You know when to push, pull, you’re seasoned. SIMON: I don’t know if you’re going to take this as a compliment or not, but you remind me of Clay Aiken. You have the same sort of fashion sense, you look appalling, but you’ve got quite a good voice. SARAHK: What? FRANK: Is our audio out or something? SIMON: Still talking, blah blah, good. SARAHK: I guess he’ll be in the wildcard round.

02 Taylor Vaifanua is next. From Hurricane, Utah. Singing that should-be-banned Alicia Keys song. I pretty much tune out. I like her look. Good outfit, I love the yarn bracelets, hate the soul-crushing hoop earrings. Love the dress. She was flawless on the vocals, but I was hella bored. ALICE: They’re bored, too. KARA: Forever with the talking. Who are you? What’s it like to go shopping with you? I don’t know. You have a great voice, but you left me cold, because I don’t know what stores you like to shop at. (I might have paraphrased.) SARAHK: Say that with about 50 pounds of Valium in ya, and that’s a Pauler comment. Who cares about the shopping? ALICE: I care about the shopping! SARAHK: Down, killer! PAULER: You have a beautiful gift. I’m perplexed, because we heard you sing this in Hollywood week. But this is a competition, a chance to show us blah blah, and you sang the same song. SIMON: I don’t get the shopping thing. SARAHK: Thank you! KAHRA: I mean, I wanna know what she’s like. SIMON: Food? Popcorn? Earrings? KAHRA: I’m gonna talk a lot lot lot. SIMON: What kind of breakfast cereal do you like? RANDY: Do you like soy milk or regular? FRANK: You know it’s bad if Randy’s going against you. SIMON: My problem is that I genuinely couldn’t remember you from the earlier rounds, and I can understand why after hearing that song, because it was very generic. It wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t great, it was actually a bit bland, to be oh-nest with you. Same problem. A lot of 17-year-olds trying to be older. I think you’re going to struggle tonight. RANDY [almost gets musicked off because of Kahra’s prattling]: You got a great voice, you can sing, but you didn’t tell us anything about you. It was just kinda boring. RYAN: Shopping, Simon, that’s where you find shirts from this decade. SIMON: Do you want to talk about those… what do you call them, pants. We call them trousers. SARAHK: Hey, I KNEW he was reading! Hi, Simon!

Now that Jack’s in the hospital, Frank makes me stop at every Jack in the Box commercial. Oh, nevermind. He looks like he’s out of his coma.

03 Alex Wagner-Trugman is next. He reads what people write on the interwebz. Yay! You’re welcome. He goes to the gym now to be less dorky. That’s funny. In Hollywood, Simon told him, “I think your personality is a 9, and your voice is a 3.” Alex: I can only assume that most of those are on a scale of three. SARAHK: Well played. LOL. His dancing between lines is atrocious and uber-dorky. We know you’re sitting alongside us watching BSG, Terminator, and Dollhouse on Friday nights. Good boy. What was that wa-ha thing after “hide”? I’m sorry, but between the dancing, the funny wa-has, the kicking of the mic stand when he CLEARLY should be playing Mic Stand Kickers for PS3, and those giant clown feet… well, I’m only laughing. Alex, you made me hahaha the whole time, so thanks. Alice, stop dancing like him! Stop it! PAULER: Alex, you are certainly the showman. You gave us our money’s worth, I just don’t know how much money will be spent. SIMON: Or, can we ask for a refund. PAULER: Can I ask for a refund, sitting next to you? SARAHK: Burrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnn. FRANK: Paula, you get *paid* to sit here. Do you want to give your money back? PAULER: You are certainly entertaining. We had fun watching you. And I’m glad you got to channel your inner rockstar on that stage. SIMON: Well, we had fun watching you, just not listening to you, because the ridiculous growling was just stupid, along with the kicking over the microphone stand. ALEX: That was an accident. SIMON: You’re like a little hamster trying to be a tiger. AUDIENCE: Boooo-urns! SIMON: May I remind you that on this show, we do not allow democracy. SARAHK: Haha. Ironical, Simon. SIMON: Um, it just was actually a bit stupid, to be oh-nest with you. I think you’ve taken the Joe Cocker thing too far, and it just didn’t work. RANDY: I have to half agree with Simon. It definitely was kinda crazy in a buck-wild sort of way. It was so wild. And the vocals, dude. You just kinda screamed it. KAHRA: Here’s the positive thing. At least you do you. You’re just a fun guy. The choreography, you can’t pay for that. PAULER: I’m gonna steal all your moves. RANDY: You should put a table back there and go back and get stuff off of it. SARAHK: I don’t even get that.

04 Arianna Afsar is gonna sing the first ever Abba song on Idol. And Rachel Lucas probably can’t even see this in England! Poor girl bloke (what’s the girl word for bloke?). “The Winner Takes it All.” Is that the one that Meryl Streep sang on the way up to the wedding place, and it just stopped down the whole movie because it didn’t fit? Yeah, I think it is. She’s singing well, but she’s a little boring, and she looks terrified. Cute dress, though. Near the end of the song, it started to get exciting, but then she got a little screamy. Good, not great. ALICE: Let’s fly to Paris for the shopping. SARAHK: I don’t like to fly. SIMON: Absolutely terrible in most parts. It was huge, huge mistake. The song was way way way too big for you. It was an incredibly dreary arrangement, it was like being at a funeral. I liked you the first time I saw you, but once again it’s like everyone’s gone into a time machine. ARIANNA: Although it’s an old song, I was trying to make it contemporary. SIMON: You didn’t, and that’s the problem. It just didn’t work at all. It was your worst performance by a clear mile. RANDY: You being 17, this is the time that you wanna show America that you’re really young. It just wasn’t the right song for you baby. I would never have chosen that for you. It wasn’t good. KAHRA: You know, you walked into the audition city, and you were a ray of sunshine. Listen to me while I emote. Emotion is coming from me! I have feelings! Too serious! If I say it with feeling, you’ll really believe me! Feelings! Be young! Touch people! PAULER: Kara’s whack. I’m not gonna go that far. You had bright moments, and look at my giant earrings. A song like Abba, sometimes it’s just better to stick to the melody.

05 Ju’Not Joyner is next. He has a cute son. “Hey There, Delilah.” I enjoyed it a lot. Not too flashy, not too boring. Safe. Pretty good. ALICE: I could carry you to the edge of the continent on my back, then we could take a boat across the pond. SARAHK Yeah, okay. Can that yummy brother of yours come? ALICE: He’s married. SARAHK: No, this is during New Moon when he’s discarded Bella like yesterday’s trash, and she’s galavanting with that dog. ALICE: I’ll see what I can do. RANDY: Smart! KAHRA: I think you could bust out even more on the next song. I know you’ve got ridiculous pipes. PAULER: Where’s your little boy? JJ: He’s up with his grandmother. I wasn’t sure he would acclimate, he’d wanna touch everything. PAULER: You sang the same song in Hollywood week, and I should yell at you for that, because I gave Taylor a hard time about that, but um um um, you changed it up from Hollywood week. Nice vocal. SIMON: Taylor who? PAULER: Taylor who’s in this competition. SARAHK: I think he was making a point. KAHRA: Shopping girl! SIMON: Ju’Not, that was actually better than I thought it was going to be. I just wish you’d stripped the whole song down though. It was a little bit safe, but you’re nervous, and I know how much this means to you. JJ: I had a cortisone shot, which is the equivalent to ten cups of coffee. Right in the butt. [His grandmother’s face is priceless here.] From the cheek to the thigh. SIMON: I would just leave it at that. [He’s quite amused.]

Kristen and Nathaniel totally love each other now.

06 Kristen McNamara is next. She says she had a boo-boo before her audition, and her hairdresser gave her purple hair before her audition. Yes, that totally happens on accident when you’re trying for emo hair. She’s singing “Give Me One Reason” by Tracy Chapman, and before it starts, I’ll tell you that it’s a horrible song choice. ALICE: Horrible. SARAHK: I do appreciate that she’s tricking up the song, making it her own, making it more exciting than normal. Wow, that’s a crazy ending. She’s the best tonight so far, but that’s not saying much. KAHRA: You’re a great singer. You can hit those notes. I can see you more doing a Kelly Clarkson song. Pink. Blah blah blah. Let me emote about your outfit and how it’s just not quite there for me yet. PAULER: When you were in Hollywood, you sang a Kelly Clarkson song. “Because of You.” That was more your thing, more in your range. But what this song shows is that you’ve got a helluva range. SIMON: It’s just puzzling out who this girl is. Because from the atrocious first outfit from when we first met you, to now when it looks like your mum styled you for a pageant. With quite an odd song choice, but you do have a good voice. I don’t think you’re quite comfortable… You don’t feel as if you know who you are. I’m not sure who you are. SARAHK: He doesn’t know what it’d be like to go shopping with you. RANDY: Yeah, and with this song, it’s like you tried to do too much. I felt like I was kinda at a karaoke thing with you. I don’t know… [Kristen acknowledges that she should record Kelly Clarkson type stuff, and she has a bad sense of style and needs to hire a stylist. I can relate to that. If I’m ever famous, my costume designer sis-in-law will have to dress me.]

07 Nathaniel Marshall knows he’s a drama queen. So to change that image, he’s going to sing Meatloaf. Hahahaha. “I Would Do Anything for Love.” I swear, this kid stepped right out of Flashdance on Broadway during Fleet Week when the tattoos are free. His weird piercings kinda give me the wiggins, if you’re wondering. It was a’ight. Weird. SIMON: Nathaniel, I think you probably would. SARAHK: LOLOLOLOL! SIMON: Some people will probably quite like that. The minority. Probably the majority will think it’s excruciating. The awful Olivia Newton-John headband. I’m uncomfortable the whole song. On the positive, people are probably going to remember you. You actually are fun. I like you. RANDY: I’m just curious about the song choice. NM: Me and my mom would dance around the house to it. RANDY: I’m curious what kind of record you’d make. NM: I wanna make something fun, something that even Simon would listen to. SIMON: A Keep Fit video. SARAHK: Hahahahaha. KAHRA: You’ve got a voice. If you wanna be taken seriously, you’re gonna want to pick a song that shows the more serious side of you. SIMON: That’s what makes him different. KAHRA: You’re who I wanna go to karaoke with. That’s my karaoke buddy, right there. I’m emoting it, so I mean it! PAULER: You sang Disturbia in Hollywood week. But this song. It was more like the Boy George version of this song. SARAHK: In other words, it was teh ghey version? Pauler’s whack. NM: I want to touch people with music. If you wanna have fun every week, vote for me. SARAHK: If you know what he means. Ryan wants Nathaniel to make Simon to feel more comfy and tries to get NM to sit on Simon’s lap. Nathaniel takes off his headband and tries to give it to Simon who gives it to Ryan. “No, YOU’RE gay!”

08 Felicia Barton got cut before the top 36 but got to come back when Idol decided it had milked Joanna Pacitti as much as it could. She looks cool and harsh, very black leathery. Her voice cracks on an upper note. For the first time we’ve really gotten to see her in the spotlight, I’m not so impressed. Pretty good, not awesome. ALICE: I would have liked it better if that song hadn’t been overdone in commercials. PAULER: I’m so glad we brought you back. SIMON: You certainly came back to prove a point, didn’t you? I liked the first half of the song better than the second half. I don’t think I love it as much as Pauler did. FRANK: Pauler. Hey, is that where that comes from? The way Simon pronounces her name? SARAHK: Yeah. You thought I just called her that for fun? FRANK: Yeah, I never made the connection. RANDY: Hot. Welcome back, baby. What! KAHRA: Your best look so far. Trouble with some of the notes. I noticed you for the first time tonight.

09 Scott MacIntyre. Yay! I’ll have y’all know that I’m married to pretty much the worst person in the world. He’s listing out all the ways they could play tricks on Scott. Oooooh, interesting. He’s singing “Mandolin Rain.” He’s nervous but doing very well. I love his voice, could listen to him muchly, become obsessed with an album he would put out… Yeah. So I’m still a fan, and for the first time this season, I will actually download on iTunes. It’s not flawless, but very good. Yay yay! And for the record, that’s the first time I understood the lyric to say “banjo wind.” I always thought it was just a very emphatic “man-do-lin.” RANDY: Yo yo. They’re loving you in here dawg. Not the most perfect vocal, but the parts that were great were really really great. I can feel the passion every time I hear you sing. KAHRA: You move mountains when you step on that stage. You do what you love, you’re passionate about it, and you don’t make excuses. I emote extra hard when I pound on the table. I want America to see you with your instrument. PAULER: You’re a genius at the piano. I can’t wait for people to hear you play. You’ve blessed us all with your gift. You’re one of our finest. SIMON: I’ll be oh-nest with you. I wasn’t crazy about the song, especially some of the lyrics. ALICE: Boo-yah, Hornsby brothers! SIMON: I’m not mental over some of the lyrics. I have to say, Scott, you’re growing on me. Because you’re finally starting to believe in yourself. You’re not the best singer in the competition, but in a sea of singers, I think you’re the only one I’m going to remember tonight. And I’ll be amazed if you don’t sail through to the next round. SARAHK: Yes. Voting now. LOL. Scott just told Ryan he thinks he needs to give him a hi-five. [To make up for the painful attempt by Ryan after his audition, when Ryan tried, and Scott had no idea he was trying.] Aw, what a sweet kid, I love him. RYAN: That’s how we roll, Scotty the Body. One day I’ll describe my friend Simon for you. [He can see like an inch wide. He probably knows what Simon looks like. Ryan’s a douchebag.]

10 Kendall Beard is from Lufkin, Texas. She’s singing “This One’s for the Girls” by Martina McBride. A meh song, but whatevs. She has a great tone to her voice, but she’s pitchydawg. I like her whole yellow sunflower look. Ouch, not so good near the end. The pitchydawgness is bad. Bad. ALICE: Cute outift. Matches my Ferrari. KAHRA: Big personality, it comes through. Picked the right lane. But you had some issues. Flat stuff going on. But you know, you’ve got that personality that we saw, that we really liked. Issues, though. PAULER: Best outfit! KENDALL: My mom put it together! PAULER: I hope you enjoyed it. I think you did a good job. You’re definitely a country artist. It shows through. SIMON: I think you did the right thing tonight. You know who you are. Halfway through, I couldn’t wait for it to end. You could have chosen a song that was better suited for your voice. RANDY: I actually happen to love country music. Outfit is great. It wasn’t your best vocal performance. You told us who you were and what you were. SIMON: I agree. I agree.

11 Jorge Nunez is next. He’s from Puerto Rico. Singing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” Wow. The whole accent thing (almost) disappears in the song, and I’m amazed, because I remember his thick thick accent. I’m nearly astounded by the change. So much so that I can forgive the eyebrows. Haha, “loSing everything.” (Pronounced “loosing.”) Well done. Interesting. I tried to vote for him, well before my deadline–nothing but busy signals. Didn’t have the same problem when I voted for Scott. ALICE: He’ll breeze through tomorrow night. PAULER: I am so proud of you. People have no idea how hard you’ve worked. You’ve worked with the dialect coach. This is what it’s all about! I just wanna squeeze you! SIMON: You heart him, don’t you? I don’t think we should have told you not to sing with an accent. Because why should we? You’re from Puerto Rico. It makes you different. I think you should be who you are. I like that you sound a bit different. There are, believe it or not, Spanish artists who are successful. RANDY: It’s the vocals that matter. This wasn’t the perfect vocal, but it was really really good, dude. I think you vindicated yourself from Hollywood week. KAHRA: You were born to sing. That’s your thing. That’s your gig. You’re a singer. It comes from [bangs heart a la Celine Dion] here. [Jorge starts to cry, Pauler starts to cry, SarahK starts to cry, Alice wishes she could cry so she could join the party.] JORGE: I get so emotional, and I can’t think in English! [Lots of words in Spanish. So adorable. We loves him, yes?]

12 Lil Rounds is the closer tonight. She has three kids. She’s singing Mary J Blige’s “Be Without You.” I like her dress. Hair is good. Lipstick is too harsh. It’s funny–I don’t like MJB’s kind of music, but I do like MJB, and I do like what Lil Rounds is doing here. She’s very—GASP. WE HAVE PIT HAIR. PIT HAIR. I’M EMOTING ABOUT THE PIT HAIR. NO NO NO. And she’s so good, and I can’t think about anything but her pit hair. LIL. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALLLLLLL THAT IS HOLY. SHAVE THE PITS. SIMON: Brilliant. I think you have great, great prospects in this competition. You’re undoubtedly one of the best singers we’ve found this year. RANDY: I agree with Cowell. You’re definitely R&B, but you kept your swagger on. Yeah! What! Loved it, baby, loved it. KAHRA: I think I’m soulful now, so I’m trying to relate to you with my emoting and my soulfulness. PAULER: You’re first class. I have a sneaking suspicion that we’re gonna see you for many more lil rounds. LIL: I’m saying things that make me even more adorable. SARAHK: I agree! SHAVE THE PITS!

Oh. I think I can’t get through because Idol thinks I’m still in Florida (virtual number). Anyway, I at least got in my votes for Scott. And wow, did they save the best for last, or what? 9, 11, and 12 were really the only ones worth watching, right?

Lil*****
Scott*****
Jorge*****
Felicia
Kristen
Ju’Not
Kendall
Nathaniel (why not.)
Taylor
Von
Arianna
Alex

ALICE PREDICTS: Scott, Jorge, Lil into the top twelve.

(More American Idol at SLAL.)