It’s the big stage. It’s live. It’s American Idol. Now with more top contestants (depends on your definition of “top”)! Welcome my special friend, in more ways than one–William the Bloody. What would you like America to call you? William? Will? WTB: Spike will do, love. SARAHK: You’re so pretty. SPIKE: Yes I am. As ahh you. SARAHK: Oh, Spike, stop it! No, I don’t mean that. Continue.

What the heck is this? Announcer guy welcomes the judges one by one (they get to walk down the stairs and across the stage), then Seacrest. The judges are laughing, Seacrest is laughing, and Ryan’s like, “You’re loving that you finally get attention, aren’t you, Simon?” SPIKE: Simon’s a ponce, but I like him for his pith. SARAHK: Yes, that’s why I like him, too. Also, his looks. They’re nothing compared to yours, of course! I’m not blind.

And there’s the Idol stage, now with even more American Idol rotating banners!

Randy says to bring it hard. Kara says she thinks she’s gonna have to be harder on the contestants now, because they might be on the radio. SPIKE: What is she, a Christmas present in designer paper? SARAHK: She’s an AI judge. SPIKE: No reason to be wrapped up like someone’s brand new puppy.

Pauler says they shouldn’t let the stage consume them. SPIKE: This from a woman wearing a chicken on her shoulder.

Ryan says, “Speaking of self-consumption, Simon.” Big cheers from the audience and my couch. Simon says don’t forget the words, prove that you’re not swallowed up by this stage. Pauler’s like, um, I already said that. Rawr.

Simon gives the kids the bad news. “The good news is, there are now thirteen of you. The bad news is, two of you are going home tomorrow.” Simon, that’s only bad news if you actually like all thirteen, and I don’t, so PARTAY! SPIKE: Thirteen? Oh, that’s brilliant. Got any Scotch? SARAHK: No, I had bourbon, but I used it all for my bad cough. SPIKE: Blood, then? SARAHK: I have a spare cat. SPIKE: That’ll do. SARAHK: Rogue, come here!

Oh, suh-WEEEET! Tonight they shall butcher Michael Jackson, and I shall revel in teh suck, because that’s how I roll. I’m guessing Jacko won’t be mentoring this week, because some of those kids are underage. (Come on, it had to be said. Or it didn’t, I don’t know.) Am I the only one who looks at the cover of Bad and sees the Weird Al version? Oh, THAT would be the best AI show ever. Weird Al. They’d have to totally study for it.

01 Lil Rounds says the day you let go of your dreams is the day you let go of your life. SPIKE: Oh, now that’s special. SARAHK: Sounds good. She’ll sail through. SPIKE: But let’s get to what we’re all here for. Those are man trousers. SARAHK: You and Simon with your trousers. SPIKE: Yeah, well, she looks like she has a package. They’re trousers for the well-endowed man–I could pull them off. SARAHK: I notice she is sleeveless again, and the cameras were very careful to stay away from her pits. Thank you, camera peeps, thank you. RANDY: MJ sang the whatever out of it. You made the song new again. I love this. This is the way to start it, baby. KAHRA: It’s perfect that you come out. Because everyone’s like uh-oh. I need to step that up. I hope we get to hear you on the radio. POHLAR: Glam squad, way to go. You are the force to be reckoned with. It’s just beautiful, like angels singing. SIMON: I thought it was good, but I was a little disappointed, because I thought it was a lazy song choice. The 2nd half was much better than the first, and I hate what you’re wearing. SPIKE: Shiny top with khaki man trousers. It’s a bloody insult to the fairer sex is what. SARAHK: Don’t forget the earrings. They crush my soul. SPIKE: I actually get that, since I have one of those and all. RYAN: What would you prefer? SIMON: Give me five minutes with Lil, and I’ll sort you out. SPIKE: That’s the best you can do? Five? I can go at least seven.

02 Scott MacIntyre is next. SPIKE: I like this guy, cuz he’s blind, and blind people taste good. Not that I drink humans anymore, but you know. Mem’ries. Say, he should face away from the audience when he sings. Joke’d be on us, then, wouldn’it? … Huh. His sister’s blind too, with no family history of it. Scott’s at the piano singing “Keep the Faith.” The piano makes a big difference–he’s much more comfortable here than in previous weeks. Has some pitchydawgness, but I can’t tell if that’s him or the song, as I don’t know this ditty. He’s rocking the piano and mostly good with the vocals. I don’t care for the song, but I’m voting for him. Very loud cheers and standing O. Kahra points out that Scott just learned it on piano this week. KAHRA: Not the most obvious Michael Jackson song, but I like your hopeful message that you deliver and that you can deliver because people wanna hear it. SPIKE: Bit of a wanker, isn’t she? SARAHK: Yes, and not just because she stoled my job. SPIKE: You’d be much better up there, pet. SARAHK: You too, Blondie Bear. SPIKE: Oh, I know. POHLAR: It’s magical seeing your instrument at your fingertips. Lovely performance. Saida Garrett (sp?) who composed the song, I believe is smiling. And she’s here. SAIDA: YES! I’M SMILING! SIMON: Okay, then I’m gonna apologize to SaiTa, because I hated the song. I did. Because nobody knows it. SCOTT: I wanted to be artistic. SIMON: It’s okay to be artistic. Just not on this show. SARAHK: Hahaha. True. SIMON: It’s true. Let me finish! I like you, I think you’re a good singer, I just don’t like the song. PAULER: You told me that it was the biggest selling record in history in Norway. SARAHK: Awwww yeah. Pauler’s got her vodka on. SPIKE: Reminds me of a guhl I used to know. Left me for a fungus demon, mad bint, she was. SARAHK: I would never leave you for a fungus demon. ALICE: Would you leave him for an Edward? SPIKE: Ha! That ponce?! How many times do I have to say it! Vampires don’t bloody spahhkle! ALICE: Some of us do. SPIKE: They don’t. Tell her, love. You saw it when I had the gem of Amara. Still pasty. RANDY: Old fashioned. I wanna see more sparks. SPIKE: That’s unkind, given the boy cahn’t see spahks.

03 Danny Gokey comes from a musically inclined family. He’s singing “PYT.” Starts it out slow, then rocks it. I’m lurving it, as you would expect. He does a repeat thing with the judges’ table, and even Simon is smiling. That’s a good sign. He’s dancing so close to the edge of the stage that I fear he may fall off. SPIKE: Love, have you not noticed that your little drool monkey up there is dressed like bloody Rupert Giles? SARAHK: That cannot be bad. Giles was the 2nd sexiest man in the Buffyverse. SPIKE: First being me. SARAHK: Of course. SPIKE: And not Angel. SARAHK: Right. Because his hair goes straight up, and he’s bloody stupid. SPIKE: Bleeding right, you ahhh. SARAHK: Anyway, well done, Danny. I heart you. Voting now… POHLAR: The true mark of an artist is when you can close your eyes and know who’s singing. And I’m gonna say that you’re on your way to the finals. SARAHK: An opinion from Pauler? SPIKE: Is she ill? Peckish? Out of vodka? SIMON: It’s a little early. We’re only three contestants in on the first show and you’ve already won. I thought the vocals were brilliant. You’re one heck of a singer. You remind me a bit of Michael McDonald, a white guy with soul. But the dahncing was hideous. You have to agree! DANNY: I love to sing, and I love to dance, but put them together, and it’s really difficult. I was asking the producer, can we get an instructor to help us put it together? SIMON: Pohlah. Pohlah will do it. SPIKE: Someone sober? SIMON: You know, Danny, it doesn’t matter. You’re terrific tonight. Well done. RANDY: I loved it all. When you’ve got it all you’ve just got it. It was just passionate, that’s the way you felt. SIMON: Oh, Randy. KAHRA: You’ve got joy. I pound the judges’ table. You should thank your parents for making you sing your homework. DANNY: I grew up singing church music, and I don’t have the dancing thing, but I wanna get it.

04 Michael Sarver has to follow Danny. What a rotten spot to be in. His oil rig buddies tell us that Michael is the next American Idol. He’s singing “You Are Not Alone.” He’s much better than he was three weeks ago. A little boring, but not pitchydawg, and his vocals are just lovely. Big finish. Well done. SIMON: Michael, look. You’re not the best singer in this competition, and I think you know that. You made up for it with passion, heart, and you gave it 110%. Just wish we knew what you did for a living. SARAHK: Hahahahaha. RANDY: When we first saw you, you had this whole R&B swagger going on, and you’ve returned to that. One of the best tonight. KAHRA: Tonight showed that you really can sing. I thought you did a great job. You bring your game every time you step on that stage, and I really like that about you. SARAHK: You know what I really like? SPIKE: When she stops talking. SARAHK: It’s like we’re soul-mates, Spike. SPIKE: I have one of those! POHLAR: I’m very drunk, would you agree? SARAHK: We would agree.

05 Jasmine Murray has much to prove tonight, since I haven’t read anyone who thinks she should be there. She’s singing “I’ll Be There.” Heard it in too many weddings. Off you go. SPIKE: Give her a bloody chance. SARAHK: Fine. SPIKE: Okay, you’re right. Seen any good movies lately? SARAHK: Twilight. SPIKE: Right, then. Jasmine it is. (She’s boring.) RANDY: I recorded this with Mariah. SARAHK: Yay! Namedropping Randy! RANDY: I was surprised. It was good. KAHRA: Yeah, I’m always like, will she do it? And you do it. I think maybe a half step down. PAULER: You have tremendous composure on that stage. You had some bright moments and sometimes you maybe couldn’t hear yourself in the monitors, so you were a little under. But good job. SIMON: Not much more I can say. SARAHK: Kahra would find plenty of endless sentences, no doubt. SPIKE: I do love this catty side of you. Keep doing that, pet. SIMON: It was a bit robotic. The big notes are always going to be a problem for you. [Pauses for boos, doesn’t get any, because why is she in the top 13 and Ricky is out?] You need to lighten up. Right now, it’s a little bit little girl trying to be a grownup. SARAHK: Why is it the judges just thought she *had* to be in the finals, and Randy and Kahra are surprised that they liked her?

06 Kris Allen, who is a boy regardless of the way his name is spelled, is a newlywed. He’s singing “Do You Remember” with his guitar, and he dances a little like Dave Matthews when he’s singing. He’s boring, and his waving of the hands at the audience is silly. I’m kind of… wondering why he’s got the guitar there, because that song isn’t really so much an acoustic guitar song? I’m underwhelmed, and I expected to like him on account of he’s cute. But he’s meh. SPIKE: You know, I play guitar. SARAHK: And you sing. Very well. SPIKE: And I’m cute. And I have a soul. SARAHK: Are you trying to sell me on you? I’m there, dude. SPIKE: I’m just sayin’ is all. KAHRA: I’m so happy you’re singing with your guitar. And you helped all the other contestants this week, and I know Simon is wondering why, but I think that shows you’re a good guy. I give you props. Here are some props. PAULER: You know why I think he helped all the other contestants? Because I think you know Michael Jackson better than any of them. You know him like I know vodka. Speaking of that, WAITER?! ANOTHER ROUND! SIMON: It was good. I’m not sure why the guitar, it was weird. Made the vocals at times a bit clumsy. I wouldn’t have brought the wife out so early. SARAHK: I know, right? Wait till the twenty-somethings and thirty-somethings are fully on board and will vote for you even if they have no chance with you, and *then* let on that you’re married. It’s a no-brainer, dude. KRIS: She’s my wife! SIMON: Keep her hidden for a few weeks. RANDY: I love the wife, love the guitar. It was cool for me, very Jason Mrazzy. SARAHK: Hmm. Yeah, it is a little Mrazzy, come to think. RYAN: Relationship advice from Simon. How’s your relationship going? SARAHK: Too mean! RANDY: He’s single. SARAHK: Not nice! (He was supposed to get married last summer. I don’t know who broke it off.) SPIKE: And get a bloody dictionary, you git. It wasn’t relationship advice, it was mahhketing advice. SARAHK: Exactly.

07 Allison Iraheta’s parents are Salvadorian. Ok, I love her blatantly fake red hair. Love it so much that I may just call Angela tomorrow and have her do that to mine. She’s singing “Love is a Feeling.” I love her voice, she owns the stage, she’s so natural up there… and she keeps singing, “It’s HOkay. It’s HOkay.” That is distracting. But I do love her. PAULER: Allison, are you sixteen or seventeen. Everyone you hear that? Sixteen. Another one who’s so poised. You look like you’ve been doing this like since you were two. We’re going to see a lot more of you. WAITER! DID I CALL FOR A DRINK OR DID I NOT?! SIMON: You’re really good, you know who you are. You need to lighten up a bit. ALLISON: It’s not a very light song. I’m not dark. I’m not, like, cutting myself. SARAHK: Bwaaaaaaahahahahaha! I love her more than any other contestant EVER. I was only going to vote for her three times because of the whole “HOkay” thing, but after that… five votes, girlfriend. Mwah, I bow and kiss your feet for the sheer shock on Pauler’s drugged out face and the horror on yours as you stand there wondering if the producers are gonna send you packing tomorrow. They won’t, girl, you are ratings GOLD if you keep saying stuff like that. RANDY: I think you’re one to watch in this whole thing. KAHRA: You’re distinguishing yourself with the rocker thing. When you go high, it’s like the walls are gonna come down. SARAHK: Speaking of cutting myself… Anyway, Allison, please uncover your eye–the bangs are taking over your face. Stop the madness. SPIKE: Speaking of, I like your new fringe. SARAHK: I told them. I told them all. I DO have bangs.

08 Anoop Desai is on the Tool Stool with Seacrest. They relive the moment when Anoop thought he was eliminated and wasn’t. It’s nice, the memory that I don’t have because Idol ran long and didn’t tell the programming peeps so they could tell the DVR. I mean, other shows tell the DVR when they’re running odd minutes long. Anoop’s parents encouraged him to learn their culture, religion, etc. His mom acknowledges that most people come to America so they can get something better, and Anoop is here living his dream. He’s singing “Beat It.” LOL, he’s wearing a windbreaker, and the collar is turned up. He’s trying to work the crowd but forgets he’s supposed to sing on-key. And once again I feel compelled to mention that I don’t get the hype. Frank thinks he’s competent, and I’m like, he’s off-key the whole time. POHLAR: I’m not ready for this. Ok. That song is, to me, here come the boos… That song is untouchable, and anyone else doing it sounds karaoke to me. [BOO!] Okay. I got a boo! Yay! Waiter! SIMON: I’ll go one step further and say it was horrible. It actually looked a bit stupid. It was like someone trying to be like Michael Jackson but failing. It was just a really bad impersonation. RANDY: Wrong choice. They’re right, it was karaoke. KAHRA: I’ve gotta agree with them and say so much more. You didn’t go up, you didn’t do any riffs, and for the first time, I felt disconnected from you as a performer. SARAHK: Welcome to my world, Kahra. RYAN: A nice guy, a talented guy. You made the decision to make it a top thirteen. Do you regret that now? SIMON: On the back of that, yes. SARAHK: Ryan, you’re so mean, asking the mean questions. SPIKE: You Americans are so crude. ALICE: Edward would never disrespect America, SarahK. SPIKE: Yeah, and I would nevah eat my woman’s stomach to extract my demon spawn. In fact, I’d use protection, you Yankee, fortune-telling, pretentiously dressed, flitty little bint. SARAHK: It hurts me when you two fight, though I admit that I find it sexy when you disparage women, Will. SPIKE: Sorry about the America crack, love. You know I don’t mean you. ALICE: Oh, I just saw the future. I’m going to punch you in the face.

09 Jorge Nunez’s family kind of broke apart after his grandmother died, but his AI thing has bonded them together again. Aw, that’s sweet. He’s singing “Never Can Say Goodbye.” I do love his voice. SPIKE: And the eyebrows? SARAHK: Not so much. Solidly sung. He doesn’t own the stage, but I do like his voice. RANDY: Got mad love. Wouldn’t have chosen this song for you. Pitchydawg. SARAHK: I didn’t hear the pitchydawgness. KAHRA: Blah blah blah. PAULER: I don’t feel like you were yourself. Why did you pick the song? JORGE: It suited my voice better than the other songs, because I wasn’t going to sing “Bad” by Michael Jackson. SIMON: But you did! It wasn’t good, blah blah. SARAHK: The vocals were at least as good as Jasmine’s. Y’all are driving me mad, f’reals.

10 Megan Corkrey is on the Tool Stool, and Ryan just called her their resident font analyst. Awkward. Her brother is in the audience and twenty-one today. She’s from Sandy, Utah. She tried out for musicals and stuff. Tried to focus on a family, and that didn’t turn out as she wanted it to. Got divorced, has a son. Misses him so much. Wow, what a wretched song choice. “Rockin’ Robin.” Her voice is lovely and unique and very weird for this song, but I actually like this, even though my brain tells me I shouldn’t.The dancing is atrocious. Frank wants to know when she decided to tattoo her entire arm. KAHRA: You put your signature on everything you touch. It’s so Megan. It wasn’t the most overwhelming vocal performance. Do I ask too many questions that I answer myself? Yes. PAULER: You picked the right song, but I felt disconnected. Did you see the chicken on my shoulder and the vodka in my brain? SIMON: Megan, we like you. But what a stupid song choice. If it was the first time we’d seen you, and this was the great hope for American Idol, people would be thinking we’ve gone mad. RANDY: Blah blah. Be Megan. SIMON: Gordon, what do you think? [Turns around to Chef Gordon Ramsey, his uglier, more gourmet alter-ego. Gordon says a few sentences, and we can’t hear him.] Right. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. SPIKE: Simon’s flirting with someone…

11 Adam Lambert is singing “Black and White” in very skinny jeans. He’s good, but I’m not jumping out of my chair like before with him. Ok, rewind. The judges were so into him that I had to watch it again to see what I was missing or they were smoking. He’s very good on the rewatch. SPIKE: Is he a vampire? SARAHK: Not sure. PAULER: I am so very very drunk. Look at this crazy purse-looking charm dangling from my wrist. I’m so out of my freaking GOURD, can you feel it? Yeah! Yeah! You’re so woogle chippy farflehopper! BlizzydaHANGit! Frizzity bizzity, you rock my world! GARCON! That’s French for need more happy juice! Wahajangle! Yeah! SIMON: But did you like him? Adam, look, that was to me in a totally different league to everything else we’ve seen and heard tonight. Whether it’s your stage experience before or not, to make Michael Jackson work, you’ve got to be over the the top. You’re someone people are going to talk about. PAULER: Yeah! Yeah! [Stands, grabs air and pulls it to her with fury.] RANDY: You’ve got it, baby. You’ve got it. KAHRA: What can I say that they haven’t already said? SARAHK: Yes, you are a little superfluous, Kahra. KAHRA: I hope Michael Jackson is watching. SPIKE: Pretty sure Adam is too old for Jacko, Kahra. RYAN: Paula just did a hurkey from her seat. SPIKE: What’s a hurkey? Because I don’t know, since I like women.

12 Matt Giraud is up. Sitting at the piano, as expected. Singing “Human Nature.” I’m sure this is good, but it’s just way too R&B and let’s-have-sex-all-night for my taste. Not my thing. (The music. I’m down with the sex.) RANDY: Couple of pitch spots, but you’ve definitely got that JT thing jumping off. KAHRA: We’re short on time, so it’s only one sentence from me. PAULER: Great. SIMON: Difficult following Adam. It was very meat and potatoes. Solid. JUDGES: SOLID! SARAHK: He totally got ripped off. Rush rush rush.

36 Alexis Grace shall bring down the house, or so we hope. She likes the blues, because she’s from Memphis. How cute! She’s taught her daughter to say, “Seacrest, out.” Hahahahaha. She’s singing “Dirty Diana.” Well, throw in some fishnets, and she’s dressed like a lady of the night, very dirty Diana indeed. This is good, but she’s trying too hard and messing up a lot. KAHRA: Alexis! You’re back! We’re so happy to have you back! You’re a naughty girl, and I liked it. PAULER: Naughty and sexy, but watch your oversinging. SIMON: Very over the top, and I don’t think you’re as good as you thought you were. RANDY: Good.

Ryan says that tomorrow night there’s an announcement about the rules of the show that will change the face of Idol forever. DVR cuts off. Stevie Wonder is banned? Please make it that. I’ll pay money to watch if Stevie Wonder and Gloria Estefan are banned. What I get from Wikipedia is that Ryan said it involves the judges and that speculation is that the judges will decide which of the bottom three go home. Yeah, that’s mad brilliant, given their stellar wildcard choices. *eye roll*

Danny*****
Adam* (truthfully–I was too lazy to vote more than once, and come on, like he needs my vote)
Allison*****
Michael* (votes deducted for the boring first half of the song)
Lil* (votes deducted for the man-trousers)
Scott*** (votes added for the rockin’ piano)
Jorge**
Alexis*
Kris
Matt
Megan
Jasmine
Anoop

SARAHK: Well, Alice, can you stop moping long enough to soothsay? Pretty please? Spike’ll buy you a Ferrari. SPIKE: No I won’t. SARAHK: Well, I’ll go shopping with you. ALICE: Fine, but we’re going to Milan. It was actually a strong night. Bottom three will be Jasmine, Kris, and Jorge. Jasmine and Jorge go home.

Nighty night.