This is American Idol. Jub-Jub announces the judges again, and even though Simon is the least dressed up, he still looks the best of all the judges. Probably because of the accent. Ryan asks the audience, “How are ya?” Like he cares. What if they all said, “Saaaaaad. We’re saaaaaad.” Happy St. Patty’s Day, everyone, and oh yes, they are playing Celtic music, and I want more more more. (I really do. It’s like crack to me.)

Ryan reminds us that the judges didn’t save Jasmine and Jorge last week.

It’s country week, and that makes me soooo happy. Kahra is wearing a solar panel from the International Space Station.

Simon says two hours isn’t enough for country night. Ryan says, “Stand by for a lassooooo.” Haha, no one gets that except those of us who can remember last year when Simon said that word.

Tonight they can do music by any artist who’s a member of the Grand Ole Opry (I think). RYAN: The Grand Ole Opry is the country elite. SPIKE: Bit of an oxymoron, innit? “Why, hello, y’all, I’m Jethro Wyndam-Pryce. I have a Mercedes up on blocks in my front yard.” SARAHK: You are walking dangerous ground, Spikey. You know this is my favorite music. SPIKE: Sorry, love. “I’m Garth Vanderbilt. Do you have a bottle of 1864 Poncy Prat Moonshine? It’s really the best year for it.” SARAHK: RARR! SPIKE: Stopping now.

Recently, Carrie Underwood was inducted into the Opry by Randy Travis. SPIKE: Randy Travis. “Hello, I’m Horny Travis.” You Americans and your funny names.

01 Michael is singing “Ain’t Going Down ‘Til the Sun Comes Up.” Randy’s like, “If you blow the words, there’s no jumping back in.” He tells Michael to not screw up the words, and otherwise, good job. Just so y’all know, I don’t care for this as an Idol song. I don’t really care much for the song as it is. I don’t know why, just don’t. SPIKE: Maybe because it’s country. SARAHK: No, that’s not it. So he can’t really impress us with his voice on this. Too much going on in the song. It’s good but forgettable. Next. RANDY: Cool song choice, I’m not sure it brought out different things in your vocal capabilities. I don’t know. KAHRA: We got to see a lot of your personality. I like that spot down there with the player. [Harmonica player on stage.] It’s impressive that you could remember all those words. MICHAEL: Country music’s about having some fun! KAHRA: That song did show that the sun came up a few times. SPIKE: She’s like Poh-lar without the drunken charm. PAULER: I think this is your genre. SIMON: Uh, yeah, I mean, it should have been good, because I thought this kind of music would suit you. I couldn’t understand a word of that. Mullullullulluh. You could have been singing in Norwegian for all I know. It was a bit clumsy. PAULER: Simon was in my ear the whole time going “Lululululuh.” SIMON: No I wasn’t. SARAHK: Yes you were. RYAN: Simon, did you like it? SIMON: On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it 1.2. MICHAEL: It wasn’t 0!

02 Allison is singing “Blame It on Your Heart.” It should be good. She’s dancing a little, and Randy tells her to not try to be too cute. Good advice. You’ll be cawing after your song if you dance like that. Randy also says he never hears voice maturity like that at sixteen. True dat. KAHRA: I’m starting to think you can sing the alphabet and sing it well. You get better every week. PAULER: Another rock solid performance. And I’ve gotta tell you, no one can take away the power of your voice and your blah blah. I know that after this competition, you’ll go into the business if you experiment. SPIKE: Here we go, country week is looking up. PAULER: Pick songs that make you vulnerable. SARAHK: Yes, do that, and Simon will hate it and you’ll get voted off. “Wonderful World,” anyone? SIMON: I thought it was good. It was a little bit tuneless in parts, and it looked to me like you were struggling with remembering the words. You’re rock solid, verging on precocious a little bit. Precocious is good. RANDY: I didn’t think it was precocious, I thought it was DOPE!

03 Kris (a boy) is singing “To Make You Feel My Love.” Garth was always into Billy Joel, and after Joel covered it, Garth had to do it, too. Randy is pleased that Kris isn’t doing the Garth version, so I assume it will be Billy Joel’s version. I doubt he’s doing Dylan. Huh. He’s doing none of the above. Good on ‘im. This is really good except for the eye closing. And the voice. It’sa very nice-ah. He’s kind of hot, yes, ladies? SPIKE: Oh yeah. I’m so turned on, blahdeblah. SARAHK: Jealous much? PAULER: I’m pleasantly surprised. Honest, pure, vulnerable, and without the guitar. Your vocals are nice. There some low notes that you throw away that are off pitch. SIMON: I thought that was terrific. Great, great choice of song. You were completely in control of the song, just concentrated on you, very smart choice of song. First time I’ve heard you perform where I genuinely think you actually have a good chance of going far in this competition. RANDY: Wow. Tender moments from my dawg, ChrisKris [a boy]. SIMON: A tender dawg. KAHRA: I didn’t even know it was Opryland when I was hearing that song. SIMON: He’s a tender puppy.

04 Lil is on the Tool Stool. SPIKE: She has a niblet name. The only country songs she’s ever heard have been on movies. She’s nervous, because she doesn’t want to put too much R&B into this. She wants to honor the song, honor the artist. I’m nervous myself, because she’s gonna do “Independence Day.” Oh. Oh. Nervous for her. I know she can handle it, pipes-wise… but agh. It’s my SONG. AND she has not only Martina to live up to but also Carrie, who “blew it out tha box” when she did this on Idol. I mean, she killed this song. Horny Travis tells her to slow it down a bit. Lil says she’s singing this higher than the Martina version. I’ll tell you if she’s lying. As I said, it’s my SONG. I like the color of her dress, but she looks like she’s wearing fancy folded napkins around her chest. Oh, y’all. I want to like this so. bad. I don’t think it’s any higher–maybe a half-step, but it doesn’t feel different if I sing it in Lil’s key. Maybe even a half-step lower. Sigh. I told y’all she had too much to live up to, and I was right. Why, why, WHY did you sing two verses back to back? That song needs the chorus in between, or it’s 1) too boring, musically, and 2) too dark, lyrically. You have to do the chorus after the first verse. Have to. It was good, solid, but not even close to Martina or Carrie. Also, the thing she does at the end of every song where she pulls the mic away for the fade sound? I think she’s doing that because she stutters off at the end of her last notes (as I do most of the time). You ain’t foolin’ me, girly girl. Yeah, so it was good but not great, not close. And ugh, I’m gonna sound like a total wanker when I say this, but I karaoke that song better. You know, when I’m not singing for 35MM people and in front of three judges and that girl who stole my job. I do really like her, though (Lil, not Kahra). RANDY: Very interesting, ambitious song choice. Front part, I found myself struggling a little bit. It got better later, but it didn’t feel comfortable for me on you. It was just kinda alright. LIL: I just wanted to try something different, show people that I can sing more than just R&B. RANDY: But you could have done “I Will Always Love You” which was written by Dolly Parton. SARAHK: But that would have just been doing Whitney. KAHRA: Yeah, or “How Do I Live.” LIL: I felt this song was really relevant. For now. SARAHK: What? SIMON: What? KAHRA: Blahdeblah, you’re good. You did what you felt, and that’s part of being an artist, standing your ground. PAULER: I want to make sure you like me more than you like Kahra, so I’m going to be more positive. It would have worked better if you didn’t sing two verses. SARAHK: Yes! Oh wait. NO! I’m agreeing with Pohlar! Ack! I could have sworn that was water. SIMON: Look, Little. Little, Lil, whatever. [They’re correcting him.] Lil, it kind of came over as if you were singing it at a wedding and you were requested to sing that song and had to do it. When we first saw you, you were like a Mary J. This wasn’t you. LIL: It’s country week! I was trying to show America that this is a learning process. SIMON: Little, may I talk? LIL: Simon, it’s LIL! SIMON: Lil, you could have put an r&b spin on a song. Like take a John Montgomery song and turn it into you. It wasn’t you. PAULER: What about “Stand By Your Man”? SARAHK: Yes. SIMON: No. LIL: I was trying to do something different, but from now on you’ll only see Lil.

05 Adam is doing “Ring of Fire.” He found a version w/ sitar, Indian version. Randy says, “I don’t even know what to say about this boy.” To Adam: “So you’re not going to be joining the Grand Ole Opry next week.” To us: “Yeah, I don’t see men wearing nail polish that often, so it sort of caught me off guard, but Adam seemed like a nice guy and of course a good singer.” SARAHK: Aaaaaaah. I LOVE him. I want him to mentor every year. Ok, so the first half of the song, I’m twisting up my face and saying, thanks for the laughs. Frank and I are totally creeped out. And then the second half comes, and I can’t say anything negative about his voice–anything he tries to do, he does perfectly. But maybe he shouldn’t try to do all that he does, because by the end of the song, I’m just laughing. DUDE. Wow. And look at Randy Travis’s face. He just doesn’t even know what to think about Adam. KAHRA: I’ve never seen that. The fire, the Egyptian, all a little strange. I got my drama that I like from you. It was strange, but I kinda liked it. It left me confused and sort of happy. I don’t know. PAULER: You are really someone who stands out, who is true to who you are, as an artist. And although it’s country music week, I loved the middle eastern sounds. It sounds like Kashmir Led Zeppelin to me. Yay. SIMON: I think what Randy was trying to say was, what the hell was that? I think you should never try to go to Nashville. ADAM: No plans. SIMON: I think there are a lot of people throwing their TVs out the window at this point. I thought it was absolute indulgent rubbish, if you want my honest opinion. Really, really horrific. RANDY: If you can imagine NIN doing a country song, that’s it. It was current! It was hot! RYAN: [to Randy Travis] Randy, what’d you think? HORNY TRAVIS: Still speechless.

That was just a beautiful five minutes. I thought pretty much what Simon did–indulgent rubbish–but I’m voting for that crap for sheer entertainment value.

06 Scott is singing “Wild Angels,” to which I say, “Really?” Not one of my favorites. Randy Travis, thinks no, not good. Haha, I don’t like that song either. Randy tells him to speed it up in the verses, and after hearing it again, Scott impresses him. He’s gonna have to take this one in a different direction or it won’t be good, because it’s a meh song. I notice Scott has vampire canines. Makes him even more endearing. Sigh. I love it on the verse, all soft and slow… don’t care so much for it on the chorus, because I don’t care for this song. By the end, he’s taken it fully Hornsby, and I like it. Don’t love it, because I think it was a bad song choice, but it was good. PAULER: Another impressive, lovely performance. You work harder than most people on that stage. I do feel like the piano may be a bit of a crutch now, and it separates you from the audience, and I may want you to be a bit of a showman, now. SARAHK: It’s cute when she tries to criticize. But that’s stupid. Scott should be with the piano. You’ve seen him dance, right, Pauler? SCOTT: We can move the piano closer to the audience. SARAHK: Hahahahaha. SIMON: What do you expect him to do, Pauler? PAULER: Perform without the piano. SIMON: I think that’s a stupid thing to say. SARAHK: Yes! SIMON: He’s very comfortable behind the piano. Elton John used to do that. PAULER: Billy Joel, too. I just want him to mix it up. SIMON: For me, both performances last week and this week were very similar. But I don’t think you’re choosing the right songs. RANDY: It’s not so much the songs. I’m looking for those hot, unbelievable, crazy vocals from you. I’m looking for those. KAHRA: What everyone is saying is, I think we want you to up your game. But you bring class and poise to that stage. SIMON: No, just choose better songs. RYAN: You work a lot with the arrangement, right? SCOTT: Yeah, most of the downtime at the mansion I spend arranging the songs. SARAHK: Sigh. SCOTT: If America puts me through to the top ten, I promise to come out without the piano sometime. I’m not saying when, but sometime. SARAHK: So keep voting for me until I do that. SIMON: And what are you going to do if it’s Elton John week? Or Billy Joel week? SARAHK: Please please please do a Billy Joel week.

07 Alexis is on the Tool Stool. She’s singing “Jolene.” Randy T likes her and has no critique. She’s good, not great. She reminds us of Allison Mack (we love her, so that’s a compliment). The song is too big for her. RANDY: Good song choice, just not a good performance. KAHRA: You lost your edge. I could see a little “Last Name” or “Before He Cheats.” SARAHK: Yeah, so she can get eviscerated for daring to try to do another Idol’s song. No, do not listen to Kahra, Alexis. PAULER: I think that that song was more effective than maybe the others think for you. Because I want to be nicer than Kahra, because I hate her. You took an artistic approach. I enjoyed the vulnerable, soft side of you. SIMON: I thought it was okay. I thought it was a little bit sound-alike. ALEXIS: What’s sound-alike? SARAHK: Seriously? Okay, off you go, because you’re an idiot. What does sound-alike mean? What does it sound like it means? How dumb are you? FRANK: It took me half a second too. SARAHK: Then you’re an idiot. SIMON: It means you sounded like the person you’re trying to sing. I think it’s forgettable.

08 Danny. DANNY! Danny is singing “Jesus Take the Wheel,” and he’s so nervous in front of Randy Travis that he screws up a ton. Come on, O Danny Boy. Nice straight jacket, dude. Awwww! He’s wearing rimless glasses, just like me. Oh, I do love him quite a lot. Yum to all of it–the voice, the looks, yay. KAHRA: When you hit your stride, it’s like none other. It’s just like woo, right? The front half, it wasn’t great for me. I wish I’d had 10 minutes of the last half and not the front half. PAULER: I kind of disagree, because I hate Kara. I like it when artists build the story. SIMON: Cat fight. SPIKE: Wha? Where? Are any of them Siamese? Because I owe a guy… PAULER: I think Carrie would like that and rush out to buy it. SIMON: I agree with Pauler. You don’t start that song full-on. You don’t scream the song from the beginning. My only problem, Danny, is what you’re wearing. It’s like you’re going on some sort of polar expedition [poh-lar expedition?]. SARAHK: Hahahahaha. SIMON: And it’s 80 degrees in Los Angeles today. DANNY: Matt Giraud said something funny. He said it looks like I’m getting ready to jump out of an airplane. SARAHK: Hahahaha. RANDY: The verses were pitchy but the rest was hot or da bomb or whatever dawg. SPIKE: Could you stop with the drooling? I mean, it’s sexy and whatnot, but this is a new shirt. SARAHK: Don’t get shirty with me! SPIKE: I’m not getting shirty. I’m just talking about my shirt.

09 Anoop is next. I totally forgot he’s in this. Wow, he’s gonna do Willie. “You Were Always on My Mind.” Danger! Randy thinks this will be the best anyone has heard from Anoop. I sure hope so. Open your eyes, Anoop. Look at something. Anything. Also, put your arm down. Huh. That was actually very good. PAULER: Yay! You touch my heart! SIMON: Anoop, you just managed to go from zero to hero. That was a great choice of song. In a way, that was one of my favorite performances of the whole night. Good for you that you can take a bit of a kicking last week, which was totally deserved, and I take back what I said last week. You do deserve to be here. But you didn’t whine about it, rah rah sisboombah. RANDY: Lemme just say, man, dude, dope, yay, arrangement was dope. KAHRA: That’s untouchable song, almost, and for me, the best performance of the night, because of the biggest surprise. RYAN: Are you surprised by that feedback? ANOOP: Uh, I’m gonna say no. SARAHK: Liar!

10 Megan Joy is doing “Walking After Midnight.” Randy’s like, Um, that’s been done so many times. Good luck with that. But then he hears her and thinks she’s great. She would look elegant in that funky yet elegant dress except for the tattoo, but hey, it does match the dress and blend very well, so there’s that. Her voice is definitely unique but it sounds so stilted and quite pitchydawg. She confuses me, because I want to love her, and I do, but while I’m loving her I’m also cocking my head [haha, I accidentally wrote “coking my head,” which has a completely different connotation] and furrowing my eyebrows. Good but weird is what I’ll go with. RANDY: I thought it would be a trainwreck, but I was quite impressed. It all really worked and was the perfect choice for you. KAHRA: Perfect song, perfect look, and you’re a winner, because you have the flu. PAULER: On top of that, people don’t know, she’s been to the hospital and back. She didn’t get to do the runthrough. SIMON: I was gonna say that. You should have flu every week. And you look gorgeous. The only thing is whoever is styling you is kind of sucking away the uniqueness that we like about you. SPIKE: This show is sucking away my soul, and I fought for that bloody thing, so I’m not happy about it.

11 Matt is singing “So Small” by my girl Carrie. Randy’s like, um, not a good choice. But then he loves the soulfulness and Matt made it his. Matt says he wants to make it more soulful and do his own thing. Well, I think it’s plenty soulful the way Carrie does it, but I also know that I’m one of the few people who LOVE this song. Wow. This is the first time that I’ve understood why he’s in the top thirteen, now eleven. Well done (other than the last note, which almost killed the entire song for me). KAHRA: There ain’t nothing small about you, that’s for sure. Blah blah blah. Amazing. I love you. PAULER: I love your authentic… authentici… authen… it’s authentic. Authenticity. Pierces my heart. SIMON: Yes, you are a heart-piercer. I don’t think you’ve been given enough credit for your vocals in this competition. We talk about Danny and Adam, and I think you’re quite similar to Danny and you outsang him tonight. SARAHK: Ok, I’m not going that far, but I agree that *I* haven’t given you enough credit for your vocals. Song choice is everything, dude. Picked the right song tonight. Do that next week, and you could wheedle your way onto my radar. SIMON: You remind me of Michael Buble. One of the best tonight. Well done. RANDY: My favorite performance of tonight. What’s interesting, you hear Michael Buble, you hear Justin Timberlake, and there are miles between those two. So you got it going on.

Danny******* (yes, I’m a total fangirl, shut up)
Matt******
Kris*****
Anoop*****
Allison*****
Scott***
Adam***
Lil**
Alexis*
Megan Joy*
Michael

Alice, would you like to have a go at the official prediction? You were perfect last week. ALICE: Yeah, whatevs. Bottom three will be Michael, Alexis, Lil. Going home… Michael. And the judges won’t save him.

Oooh. Randy Travis and Carrie Underwood performing tomorrow night.