This is American Idol, and this is disco week. SPIKE: Also known as “Welcome to the Hellmouth.”

So last week, Matt got saved. Which means that tomorrow night, Matt and Lil will go home. No saves.

Why do people cheer for Kahra? Just ’cause they’re nice, I guess. Hey, I wonder how many times Ryan will say “unprecedented” between tonight and tomorrow night. ALICE: 357.

01 Lil, whose will has been completely crushed by this point, is first. She’s singing Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman,” and I hate the song choice, but whatevs. She looks pretty hot in her unitard and soul-crushing earrings (but I give her a pass for those because it’s disco week). I don’t know, I’m probably going to hate every single performance tonight, because it’s disco week. RANDY: A’ight, so, I don’t know. You can do nothing right, Lil. KAHRA: All of America has been waiting for you to sing Chaka Khan or someone like that, and it wasn’t worth the wait. PAULER: She had no voice yesterday, and today strong vocals. You didn’t bring out your inner goddess. SIMON: Oh, Lil, you look so sad. LIL: I don’t mean to look sad. I actually had fun tonight. SIMON: I’m glad you had fun, because I think it’s absolutely the last time we’ll see you.

02 Kris, who is a boy despite the spelling of his name, is singing “She Works Hard for the Money.” Hahahaha. Are they ever gonna tell these kids what that song’s about? Ryan asks why he’s singing that, and he says he picked it because it’s about a woman who works hard. Ryan: Ok, so he’s singing a song about a woman with a good work ethic. Oh. Um. WOW. So he’s with the guitar, with the bongos on either side, making me think of Mraz and Toca, and it is good. It is so so good. Good squared. Doesn’t sound a thing like disco, and I don’t care that he’s going all acoustic and heartfelt to sing about a prostitute, because it’s all kinds of yummy. He keeps pulling out performances like this, and he’ll make it much farther than I ever expected. KAHRA: You took a real risk with that arrangement, it paid off big time. Let me say it in many different ways. PAULER: It had a Santana fit. A lot of women shop in the men’s department, but not a lot of men will shop in the women’s. You shopped and found a perfect fit. SARAHK: I love Poh-lar. And not because she’s crazy, ok, because she’s crazy. But I totally get what she’s saying there. SIMON: I actually need a translator on this show. That was a complete polar opposite to the first. It was original, it was well-thought-out. That was not karaoke. Whether you buy or like ladies’ underwear, I couldn’t care less. It was fantastic. RANDY: What I love about you, we’re looking for the best undiscovered talent. You know who you are. You come out every week.

03 Danny is singing “September.” I think he flubbed the words once. It’s typically good Danny, but too disco for me. It’s excellent but still disco. He’s at least embellishing it a lot. RANDY: I was like dawg, I don’t know about this. You turned this into something that really worked for you tonight. I was worried, but you worked it out. KAHRA: I was kinda worried about you in disco night. Sorta like asking Simon to wear a plaid shirt. But you owned it. Blahdeblah. I hope you aren’t forgettable. PAULER: You have one of the sexiest voices ever, and I think women of all ages will agree. SPIKE: Baroque. SARAHK: Enlightenment. SPIKE: Renaissance. They’ll all agree. SARAHK: I agree. SIMON: Can’t fault the vocals, arrangement was interesting. As a performance, I didn’t get star power from it. A bit awkward and clumsy. PAULER: I’ll still see you in the finals. SPIKE: You and three or four others.

04 Allison is singing “Hot Stuff,” and you know… I wouldn’t know if she hosed the words, because she just slurs them all. “I’m waitin’ for some hover to call.” ARGH. She irks me. I love the arrangement, love what she did with it, I don’t even hate what she’s wearing, her voice is great, and if she would enunciate anything, I would love love love her. But again, vexed. When I listen to music, I don’t want to have to think about it. “What did she just say? What’s a hover when used as a noun? Wait, what? I missed that entire sentence.” I want to eat and digest the lyrics, not just sling ‘em back like oysters on the half shell. I don’t even know what my own words mean now. See what she does to me? SPIKE: Just so you lot can visualize, SarahK is pacing the floor. RANDY: I didn’t love the arrangement, over-indulgent. BUT you’re one of the best singers in this competition. You can really sing. KAHRA: I’ve gotta agree with Randy on the arrangement. You picked the right song, because blaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh will I ever shut UP. Vocals 9/10. SPIKE: No, love, I don’t think you will. SARAHK: I think the arrangement worked in her favor. We don’t like disco week! The whole point of disco week is to see how the singers make songs their own. The arrangement is good. So the pie hole? Shut it. PAULER: The word compromise doesn’t belong in your vocabulary. I don’t mind the arrangement. With the last note, you hit it off the charts. SIMON: I don’t think it’s got anything to do with slow/fast. I think you’re always going to come into this week as an underdog. SARAHK: Who’s the overdog on Hellmouth week? SIMON: That was brilliant. SARAHK: For a chronic lyrics slurrer, yes.

05 Adam has large hair and is singing “If I Can’t Have You.” It’s fantastic. Even Simon is clapping. Yeah, it’s bloody brill. Give him the record deal already. RANDY: One of the things that should be happening, you should show us your range. Dude, I’m tellin’ you somethin’. You are ready right now. Here’s a hot one tonight. KAHRA: You’re brilliant. I don’t know what else to say. But I’ll add a few more hundred words anyway. PAULER: I’ve never questioned my visceral response when I see you perform. Tonight you chose a disco song and blah blah, I feel your pain. You’re fascinating, brilliant, awesome. You will be in the finals. SIMON: I don’t know if I’d go as far as feeling your pain. I would have put $10,000 you were gonna do Donna Summer. SARAHK: Hahahahahahahaha. I love that sanguine old man. SIMON: You did something we weren’t expecting. Original, never ever heard that song sung like that. The vocals were immaculate. Congratulations.

06 Matt is singing the apropos “Stayin’ Alive.” I do loves me some BeeGees. This is pretty good until the end, but maybe it says something that I was more interested in reading Facebook status messages. RANDY: Didn’t love the song choice or arrangement, but you can really sing. This bunch right here is one of the most talented groups of 7. You can really sing. KAHRA: You brought disco back. I thought the vocals were good. Good, solid. PAULER: Sometimes you throw gutter balls, sometimes you throw strikes. Tonight you threw a strike. SIMON: I’m sorry to put a damper on this, but I didn’t like it. You’ve gotta get yourself out of Idol-land and put yourself in the real world. It was desperate, vocals weren’t great, no originality. I’m not such a huge fan of that. SARAHK: I kind of nothing it. SPIKE: Do you nothing me? SARAHK: Never, my Platinum Prince.

07 Anoop (I forgot he was even still here–so I revise my earlier statement about the two going home–it’ll be Lil and Anoop) is singing something non-descript and discoey. “Dance the Night Away” or something. He has a smudgestache this week, and it makes me laugh. RANDY: I didn’t love this arrangement. Dude, you can sing also. This top seven is so talented vocally. Nice, baby, nice. KAHRA: Great song choice. I really liked the beat. It sounded like it could be on the radio. The last two weeks, your best performances. PAULER: The look tonight, the growth… SARAHK: The smudgestache. PAULER: Real men wear pink. I saw you enjoy yourself. Smile more. SIMON: Again, I’ve gotta completely disagree. It was mediocre at best. SARAHK: Thank you. SIMON: I prayed that the tempo wasn’t gonna come in. It did. Genuinely, I thought it was your worst performance. SARAHK: I don’t remember any of them.

Adam (10*)
Kris (10*)
Danny (5*)
Allison (I’ll vote for her when she pronounces an l or an s and gets rid of her overabundance of h’s)
Matt
Lil (1*)
Anoop

Lil and Anoop go home.

So it wasn’t as bad as I expected, but we’ll still call it Hellmouth Lite.