And here we go. Ryan says THIS is the Finale. And THIS is American Idol. The boys are both dressed in white, because, you know, they like to do that look at least once a season. Where’s the choir, though? Haven’t seen them yet this season.

Jolie Fisher in the house.

Oh. Good cow. Wow. Randy’s BOWTIE! They play a “for you for me” montage. Thank you, Idol. Now a Kahra montage of bad news delivered among sweeties and honeys. Wow, she looks hot. They play a Pauler montage–her huge vocabulary. Hahahahaha. Wow, Pauler looks amazing. Look at her rocking bod. A montage of Simon’s whats, huhs, and come agains. Cute.

Carrie is in the audience in a bubble gum pink Barbie dress.

Oh look! The two finalists. It was emotional for Kris, a boy, last night. And the guys’ mics aren’t working. Yay! I love stage meltdowns on Idol, they make me so happy.

Mikalah Gordon is in Kris’s hometown of Conway, Arkansas. Big crowd of kids & teens & stuff. Carly Smithson is in San Diego, wearing Tiffany’s hair circa 1988. Big crowd of kids & tweens & drag queens. Just kidding. About the kids.

THIS JUST IN! We will have a special guest star with us tonight, and it’s not any of the voices in my head! A real live person! Well, I mean, I’ve never met her, and I really only know she exists in blogland, but that’s real enough for me, peeps. The inimitable Tracey! Tonight, this blog is WIN.

Oh. Dangit! The top twelve are out singing that “So What” song. This earworm has been in my head all day because it was on DWTS last night. I’ve never actually heard the song outside of cover versions on DWTS and Idol. And I just had a most SarahK moment. Ok, so I thought it was called “Rockstar” for obvious reasons and was out googling. It came up with the results that it could possibly be by Hannah Montana or Nickelback. Since I have no frame of reference… well. I asked Frank, “Is that Hannah Montana or Nickelback?” Which he thought was just the funniest thing in the history of time. Yes, yes, I live under a rock and am very uncool, unlike my husband, who’s currently wearing Aquaman boxers. Anyway, he tweeted it so as to properly humiliate me. Where are the voices in my head? SPIKE: Sorry, love. It’s Pink, actually. ALICE: Kind of a cross between Hannah Montana and Nickelback, if you ask me. TRACEY: Um, Allison, that’s your fancy place you’re showing off. SARAHK: Have a care with it!

Anyway, the kids are all in white and definitely not lipsynching, because Jasmine had a very bad note. Megan’s about half a step behind on all her dance steps. At the end, Troy Dungan applauds from his seat at the judges’ table while Kahra looks on in bittersweetness, since she knows they’ll never pick her up for another season.

Indulgent Idol finale dinner: Baked potato drenched in coconut milk, salt, and pepper with a side of cherry peppers.

Super-freaky Coke commercial. Sleestaks at Subway!

David Cook is out to sing “Permanent,” a song I really like. TRACEY: Why is he dressed like he’s in a barbershop quartet? ALICE: Maybe he just really likes vests. SPIKE: Yeah, the gays are into them. DC says he doesn’t think America can get this wrong. SARAHK: Unless it goes for ADAM! I’m kidding, I love them both.

Idol Awards!

Outstanding Male: Will Kunic (sp? Too lazy to rewind). Michael Gurr. Elijah Scarlett. TRACEY: It’s the Pippa guy! The guy from last year who sang let my pippa go! SARAHK: Maybe they’re twins! Dean Anthony Bradford. He’s the guy whose coat looks like a couch. Norman Gentle next. “Boom! Boom! Boom! Karate Kid!” WINNER: NICK MITCHELL/NORMAN GENTLE! Yay! I love this guy.

“Look what I’m wearing! They told me I was just coming to watch Adam and Kris! I wish I’d prepared something! Hit it!” And he strips down to his Norman Gentle clothes and sings. “I want that perch! It’s power!” “Lady in the purple shirt!”

Next up. Little Rounds and Queen Latifah. TRACEY: Uhm, i do not like Lil rounds. Just sayin’. SARAHK: I kinda root for her soul since it was crushed by the judges week after week. SPIKE: I have a soul. ALICE: Yes, me too! SPIKE: Yes, yes, you sparkle, we get it. Whoopie for you. TRACEY: I have to say it: Queen Latifah is wearing a onesie.

Anoop, this year’s ABCD, is singing with Alexis Grace. “I’m Yours.” And AAAAHHHHH! JASON MRAZ! I’m cheering here on the couch. And screaming at Tracey in chat. Poor girl. TRACEY: YOUR BOYFRIEND! SARAHK: I KNOW! TRACEY: Annog needs to go. He bugs. I want to pluck his eyebrows.

They’re playing clips of Kris and showing us why we should love him the best. Already there, Idol. Already there. TRACEY: Kris is pretty darn cute, you know. SARAHK: Yes, I do know. TRACEY: You know what it is about Kara, for me, dawg? She has aggressive lips. She moves them with rage or something. SARAHK: Yes! The emoting is even more aggressive because of the lips. You’re right. Kris plus Keith Urban is teh YUM. TRACEY: Too much hotness, we must be silent.

That was fantastic. TRACEY: That was pretty hot. Hothothot. I’m a little twitterpated. Keith Urban’s hip swivel is revelation. I wanted them both to kiss me. SPIKE: Naughty girl. Are you single? SARAHK: Spike!

I can’t wait for Land of the Lost! TRACEY: I heart Will Ferrell. SARAHK: I heart Sleestaks!

Our husbands are talking to us. We’re pretending to listen.

Now the top girls are singing “Glamorous.” I’ve consulted Tracey, who says this is Fergie. Fergie walks out, and Tracey gloats. TRACEY: That pretty blonde girl [Megan] ruins it with that huge arm tattoo — she looks like a burn victim. Fergie looks wasted. Mazeltov, Fergie… So now they’ve had a meltdown moment. SARAHK: Fergie must have cussed or something. TRACEY: Naughty minx. SARAHK: Trollop! TRACEY: Her, not you. SARAHK: I take it back. TRACEY: Fergie is a trollop, I’m an angel. Check out those poor saps in those maze onesies. SARAHK: What’s with the onesies tonight? TRACEY: I need to go put mine on at the next commercial, I guess. [Pictures to follow.]

TRACEY: What’s with all the girls wearing the poof at the front of their head? Like a little hair haystack? I hate it so much. It’s totally gay.

Some award. Bikini Girl. Alexis Cohn (sp?) Some other girl. SARAHK: What’s this award? TRACEY: I don’t know. Most douchey. That girl totally had her boobs done. RYAN: I was gonna ask you what’s new, but I think I know. SPIKE: She got new shoes, just like Kellie Pickler. Bikini girl wins, starts to sing the song she sang for her audition. Kahra joins her onstage! Kahra pwns her by totally outsinging her. Bikini Girl tries to keep up, after the initial shock wears off. Then Kahra, at the end of the song, strips down to a bikini. For charity. Well played, harlot! I almost like her now. If she sang instead of talking I would have loved her this season. Great bod, too. I hate her even more now.

Allison out to sing “Hime After Hime” with Cyndi Lauper. SPIKE: Sounds dirty. Oh, I love Cyndi. She looks awesome. SPIKE: I can see her penis. TRACEY: Cyndi’s legs are bothering me. Put them together for Mama.

Ryan interviewing Kris’s parents. Ask why they spelled his name with a K! TRACEY: Kris’s mom. Uhm, the strap on your gown. When your boobs are so low that the strap to them is three feet long, it’s a problem.

DANNY sings “Hello.” DC did this last year. TRACEY: He is SO Robert Downey Jr. on a binge. LIONEL RITCHIE out to sing a medley with Danny. TRACEY: Allison, who came in 4th, gets Cyndi Lauper and “Time After Time” and Danny gets some “Just Chill” song with Lionel Ritchie? SARAHK: It’d be funny if they’d sing “Just chillax” instead.

ACK! My interwebz went down!

Adam is out now, and I do mean OUT. He’s wearing like these cagey angel wings? I’m bemused a bit, unless this is just his STATEMENT. Like, DUH, tweeners, you can stop fantasizing about me, I’m just not that into your sex. BTW, performing with KISS. He should front a band like KISS.

Carlos Santana is here to perform with Matt Giraud. “Black Magic Woman.” Tracey and I agree that we only like him when he’s paired with Rob Thomas. Tracey thinks Matt should lose the hat, and I disagree, because really, the forehead wart is too distracting. I find myself wanting to pop it. Yes, I’m going to hell. Yes, I know. And it changes to “Smooth,” and suddenly all the top guys are there. Kris is there, and I suddenly want to have babies with his voice. Oh wait, it’s the whole top 12. For the record, I still love Danny. TRACEY: I can’t DEAL watching blind guy trying to dance. I am in pain watching him act as if he has the slightest idea where he is.

Crappy Ford video, last one of the season. And then DC gives Kris and Adam their new Fords.

Megan Joy, Michael Sarver, and Steve Martin (ON THE BAMJO!). They’re singing an old timey song. Megan is offkey again with her burn unit scar. Steve says he knows it’s a long shot, but he hopes he wins. Haha.

So now the top guys are out singing “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” and no, Anoop, Tracey and I don’t. Sorry, off you go. Rod Stewart (!!!) rises out of the staircase wearing a couch. TRACEY: He wears it well, though, somehow. TRACEY/SARAHK: Yamahama. He sings “Maggie.”

Last golden Idol of the evening. Outstanding Female! This is where we’ll see Tatiana, and I hope she’s wearing a highwaisted dress, or I won’t recognize her. Chelsea something. Another girl whose name I forgot to get. Dana Moreno. Tatiana Nicole Del Toro. Ryan announces she’s the winner, tells her to stay in her seat because he’s out of time. She busts by security and runs onstage, grabs the Idol. Says that Simon wants to hear her sing “Saving All My Love” for the fourth time. Security chases her back and forth as she sings. Good bit. Hahahaha.

Kris and Adam are dueting on “We Are the Champions.” TRACEY: You know Adam will totally outsing him here. SARAHK: Yeah. But it’s not like they’ve geared the whole season toward Adam winning or anything. Ahhhhhh! Queen! Say, maybe Adam should front that band. Badum-ching! Tucker Carlson or George Will, I can’t tell which, cheers at the judges’ table. SARAHK: A choir. I knew there would be a choir. TRACEY: No, those are hand wavers. There are people on the stage whose sole job it is to wave their hands!

Simon thinks both are great, both should be very proud of last night.

Over 100 million votes.

The winner of American Idol 2009: KRIS ALLEN!

Everyone’s in major shock, there are fireworks, I’m so thrilled! I’ve lost Tracey, PEEPS. I’ve lost Tracey! ALICE: The voices in your head are still here, yo.

Tired of being overshadowed by the Mirror Ball Trophy of DWTS, they now have an Idol trophy. It’s a microphone. Kris doesn’t even know what to say, because he’s in shock. Adam is either doing a great job of acting like he’s happy for Kris, or he realizes that he’s the real winner, because now Kris has to sing “No Boundaries.”

Kris and his wife are hugging. It’s a happy day.

And I guess that’s it for this season. I hope I’ve made you laugh at least once. Come back around Snark Raving Mad! in the off-season. I’m gonna try to actually post non-Idol content. Yay for me for you, sweeties with big vocabularies. I’m sorry, what? Anyway, a big thanks to the voices in my head. SPIKE: It’s been a lot of fun, pet. SARAHK: For me too, my Platinum Prince. ALICE: I soothsayed pretty well this year, so we get to go shopping now, right? SARAHK: Yes, girlfriend. JASPER: Relax. SARAHK: Ok.

UPDATE: Tracey has returned from her internet meltdown. She’s so excited, just like me.

Goodnight!