So tonight we have the top 12 girls. This… is American Idol.

It’s so sad to see Simon at the judges’ table without Pauler. So. Simon said in the NY Post that it’s gonna be a girls’ year. Which means the guys will step up. Ryan asks Kahra a question, but I’m not listening. Randy tells the girls to wrack the stage with their vocals. Or maybe rack, I don’t know. Ellen tells them to be all they can be.

Ellen and Simon are bookends, and Ellen says they had to be separated because Simon wants her and is handsy. So now they show tape of Simon trying to feel up Ellen’s thigh. LOL. Fake, of course, but very funny. I’ve been pleasantly surprised with Ellen so far on the show.

01 Paige Miles is up first, and I don’t remember her at all from the early rounds. She must not have been showcased, or she was forgettable. She’s singing “All Right Now.” Terrible song choice, just awful. That’s a jingle, not an Idol song. And she doesn’t make me pick up the phone. Very disappointed. I hope the other girls are better than her. Simon thinks she has the best voice out of all the girls. Am I high? Is he high? She did not impress me at all. Simon chides her for song selection but thinks she’ll be okay. Kahra says Simon’s wrong about the song choice, but she thinks she should have done more with the chorus. Randy thinks it’s not a good song choice but that she showed her powerful voice. Ellen says, “I agree and disagree with all of them.” She says Paige was so there, sounded fantastic. They must really have her pegged for top 12, because I am utterly baffled. Oh, fun times for Paige: she tells Ryan, “Yeah, I’m sown into my outfit. I’ve been waiting to pee for like five hours.”

02 Ashley Rodriguez is next. Simon bagged on Jordin Sparks’s song “Battlefield” during Ashley’s audition. I’m not a big Sparks fan, and I really kinda like that song. But he’s not on board. She’s singing Leona Lewis’s “Happy.” See, she’s lucky, because since I live under a rock, I’ve never heard it. Ok, this song is too big for her, or she’s trying to do too much with it, and she’s off-key on the lower notes. Next, please. Kahra thinks that was a big song and tells her that going forward, she should take on songs they wouldn’t expect from her. Randy says she shouldn’t sing a song from the big singers, because she’ll always be compared to them. Ellen would also like to see her step out and do a different vibe. Simon thought it was clumsy, he didn’t like the arrangement, and he thinks she’s going backwards from the very first time they met her. He doesn’t see her as a recording artist, just someone who sings other people’s songs. He thinks she could be in trouble.

The Old Spice commercial with the hot guy with the abs on the horse? Love it hard.

03 Janell Wheeler is next. Ooh, she’s taking on Heart, singing “What About Love.” I hate girls who can get away with wearing skinny jeans. Jealous much. She’s not bad. Not as good as I was expecting–loved her in Hollywood week, and this isn’t as good. She just didn’t do anything with it, and even at the end, she didn’t do the higher variation on “Don’t let it slip away,” and I was expecting it, so it was a disappointment. It sounds to me like her nerves got her a bit, because her voice just wasn’t strong. Randy starts with the yo yos, which is never a good sign. He tells her she didn’t bring something unique and different and original. Ellen liked the song choice and liked the performance. Simon: You gave 100% effort and probably delivered 65%. Tells her she went off-key when she got nervous. He thinks she’ll survive the week. Kahra says the song was too big for her.

04 Lilly Scott, one of my early faves, is next. Wow, she just never lets the peacocks rest, does she? She’s singing “Fixing A Hole” by the Beatles. Has the guit-tar. Her earrings are some other kind of bird feather, not peacock, tonight. Love love love her. Voted. Ellen says that’s what the judges mean when they say unexpected song choice. She stands out, has a great presence, unique voice. Ellen loves it. Simon says she’s the best so far, mainly because he thinks she picked the song because she likes it. He still doesn’t get star power from her, probably because of nerves. And says lots of people on the internet are doing what she’s doing. Birds of a feather and all that. But he tells her well done. Kahra says she’s believable, from the heart, blah blah blah. Randy loves that she’s more like a real indie artist and not just sounding like one or something.

Oh, so now Kahra is trying to take Pauler’s place by talking to Simon while Ryan’s talking to the contestants.

05 Katelyn Epperly will need to impress me, because I’m not sure how she’s in the top 12. She’s singing a Beatles song, “Oh! Darling.” I’m bored out of my mind. Simon says it was messy and she screamed, but he likes her. Good song choice, brave, needs work. She’s wearing a bird on her head, by the way. Kahra says Katelyn knows her voice very well, keeps talking for a while. Kahra liked her more natural w/o the bright red lipstick and the fishnets and the head bird. I, for once, agree with Kahra. Randy likes that she concerns herself with the tone of her voice and not just runs. He likes the makeup, tells her not to box herself in. Ellen liked the personality she put into her song and thinks she has a great voice but felt like she was maybe pushing it at the beginning. Ryan asks what word bubble was in her head when Kahra critiqued the red lipstick. Kahra says that the word bubble was “B*tch!” Probably.

06 Haeley Vaughn is next. Her mom told her she could get her nose pierced if she made it to Hollywood, and she did it the same day. She’s also doing the Beatles. “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” Before she starts, I yell at her that it’s a terrible song choice, but she is really doing her own thing with it, also playing her little red guitar. Not a fan of the saucy undead bride outfit thing. She totally made it her own, dawg, and it turns out to be a brilliant song choice for her. Not the best vocal, but surprised me enough that I’ll vote. I’m a little disappointed that she’s not doing country like she did in auditions, but that’s ok. Whatevs. Anyway, well done, I voted. Kahra says she had big messups, but she had fun and blah blah blah. “You make up for what you can’t do with your vocals.” Kahra is great at non-compliments. Randy loves the unpredictability. Says her high notes aren’t quite there and she should drop the key in the future maybe. Ellen says she shines. “I don’t know, technically, but as some one who just likes music, I enjoyed it.” SIMON: If I’m being oh-nest with you, I thought it was verging on terrible. You’re like a windup doll that just keeps smiling throughout the song. Tells her it was a mess. ELLEN: If it was a mess, it was a hot mess. SARAHK: Did Simon take over Pauler’s vodka stash?

07 Lacey Brown is next. She’s from Amarillo–I lived there! She’s doing Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide.” I like the tone of her voice, but she sings weird. It almost sounds like she’s forcing every note. I’m a little confused by her, not sure what to think. Randy loves the song but thinks it was a bad song choice. Says it was terrible and pitchy all over the place. First pitchy of the season! Ellen agrees, thinks she’s much better than that. Simon says it was depressing and boring. He thinks she’s still trying to figure out who she is as an artist. Kahra thinks she struggled with her falsetto where she usually doesn’t. I actually voted, because I want her to have one more shot. But I didn’t vote because she was one of the best. She wasn’t.

08 Michelle Delamor works at a clothing store and is also a corporate singer. I don’t know what that is. She’s a beautiful girl, soul-crushing giant hoop earrings notwithstanding. Blerg, she’s doing “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys. Every person in my audition year did this song, and I am OVER it on Idol. It’s one of those that should be banned from the show out of respect for the viewers. Okay, yeah, she did a great job with the song, but I’m tempted not to vote for her because of the song. Ellen says it was fantastic but seemed so easy for Michelle that it was probably a safe choice for her. She knows Michelle can do better than that. Simon thinks she did very well, close to the original, not as good as the original, but no wow moments for him. He wants her to be different than other artists. Thinks she looks fantastic. Kahra says when she hits it right, it sounds great, but there were spots when it wasn’t great. Blah blah blah. Randy says she did a pretty good job but he wants her to show him something no one’s showed him yet. Nah, I didn’t vote.

09 Didi Benami is one of my early favorites, so I’m anxious for her performance. Singing “The Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelson. So far I’m loving the performance. I adore her voice. Pretty girl, too. And she’s apparently wearing her grandma’s favorite afghan as a vest, and that’s endearing if you’re into blankets. Voted. Simon says there are too many people trying to sound like Adele and Duffy, he thought the song was dreary. He says he’s missing a spark to excite him here. He thought it was dull, but he thinks she has a good voice. Kahra thinks the song is good, but she likes that she made changes to the original recording. But calls it pitchy. Randy wants the star factor, the outward oomph (Simon supplies, “No X Factor.”). Ellen thinks it wasn’t the right song for the first night America sees her, too low-key. Simon talks about it being like a first kiss, it’s gotta be something you’re gonna remember. Goes on with the analogy. RYAN: I didn’t think of any of that during my first kiss. SIMON: It probably went both ways. SARAHK: Joke’s too easy, so I’ll refrain from making it.

10 Siobhan Magnus is next, and she’s singing Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game.” She’s good but not my favorite of the night. It’s a little boring for me where Didi wasn’t. And okay, the giant floofy rose sticking out of the side of her head is bothering me–did her grandma’s china accessorize her? Also the color of her lipstick. Kahra liked her, thinks she’s quirky but a little nasal at times. Likes that Siobhan is in the moment when she sings. Randy sounds like he wanted bigger vocals. Ellen liked it a lot. Simon calls her a funny little thing. Liked the song, didn’t love it, didn’t think it was nearly as good as the Stevie Wonder song she sang in Hollywood round. Don’t listen to them, Siobhan, don’t sing Stevie!

11 Crystal Bowersox is doing “Hand in My Pocket.” She’s playing the guitar AND the harmonica. She’s fantastic, easily the best of the night. Voted. RANDY: One of my favorites, one of my favorites of tonight. Maybe not the right song for you, but I like you, like what you do, like your honesty. ELLEN: I’m also a fan. You add something fresh to the show, I’d vote for you. SIMON: It was good, we like you, love your little baby, like your story. The truth is, there are thousands of you doing this outside subway stations. You doing Alanis is very sound-alike. CRYSTAL: They don’t allow original songs on the show, that’s the thing. SIMON: But you could do David Bowie, make it your own. CRYSTAL: David Bowie could be fun. [I like that she picks up Simon’s idea and goes with it, and he’ll like that too. I like that she doesn’t really know the show, so she isn’t trying to do what everyone else does, she’s just trying to do what she would do.] SIMON: Having said that, I’m trying not to be overcritical, because I really, really like you, and I think you’re refreshing. You’re going to do well. KAHRA: You were great, but I’ve seen greater from you. Try not to be just coffeehouse, try to be bigger.

12 Katie Stevens gets El Spotto de Pimpo tonight. She’s still going on about her grandma with Alzheimers, then. Am I the only one who’s feeling icky from all the exploitation of Gammie? She’s doing Michael Buble’s version of “Feeling Good.” Not a fan of the little dress she borrowed from a six-year-old’s closet, either. She does a pretty nice job with the song, and then a big, dramatic pause before the final note, and I’m thinking this is going to blow me away, because she’s been so good… and she does nothing with the last note. Just does the note I would expect when there’s no dramatic pause beforehand. Which makes the whole performance meh for me, and I’m not voting. Have I mentioned how bothered I am by the exploitation of Gammie? It taints Katie for me. If they mention Gammie again next week, I don’t think I’ll ever vote for her. It’s really bugging me. ELLEN: It was good, great, you have a great voice, but you’re 17, and I felt like it’s very conservative and serious. I want to see you be 17 and current and fresh and modern. It was a little old for you, but you’re great. SIMON: I absolutely, totally agree with Ellen on that. It was like your mum and dad had dressed you and given you the song for this audition. So it started to become annoying. It’s true. I’ve heard this kind of performance so many times. You’ve got a good voice, you’ve got to become like a young recording artist, not somebody who’s going to sing at your mum’s birthday party. Very pageanty. KAHRA: I think you couldn’t hear yourself, because I’ve never heard you be pitchy. At the end of the day, you have ridiculous chops, blah blah blah, talk talk talk. RANDY: What it really was, specifically, was that you were pushing so hard that you were going sharp. Young it up. You can only be 17 once.

Man, they keep stressing that this year’s crop is sooooo stroooooong, but I like only 4 or 5, and the rest are kind of meh for me.

Here’s how I rank them based on tonight’s performance. * means I voted.
11 Crystal*
04 Lilly*
09 Didi*
12 Katie
08 Michelle
06 Haeley*
10 Siobhan
05 Katelyn
03 Janell
01 Paige (completely forgettable)
02 Ashley
07 Lacey*

Bottom two prediction: Hmm. Paige and Lacey. And I think Lacey goes home, probably too early.